In my last post I discussed my biggest criticism of the book "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse". Now I'll write about some things I liked.
I often hear people talk about rights in a relationships. Patricia Evans has a list of "Basic Rights in a Relationship" like the right "to be heard by your mate and responded to with courtesy". On the level of basic morality and human rights I agree, all people are deserving of love and respect, but in my marriage, thinking of it that way has not helped me.
I was thinking "He has no right to say those things to me" and "You can't speak to me that way." Which led to me thinking, "He has to stop this". But guess what, he doesn't have to stop. Nobody is going to make him stop. I can't call the verbal abuse police to arrest him and enforce my right to be heard and responded to with courtesy. With the exception of my body and my property, relationships "rights" are not like civil or legal rights. Ultimately, all you can do is remove yourself from his presence.
Perhaps Ms. Evans and others talk about "rights" in a relationship to validate that your expectations are in fact reasonable, because abusers will try to convince you otherwise. I would prefer that such a list be called "Reasonable expectations in a Healthy Relationship".
I have also heard well meaning people tell the recipient of verbal abuse that they must demand to be treated with respect. I think that demanding respect just plays into the abuser's view of relationships as power and control based. I do however, require being treated respectfully as a condition of engagement.
When I questioned the reality of my thinking I realized that while he may not have the moral right to do what he does, he does have the freedom to do it.
I often hear people talk about rights in a relationships. Patricia Evans has a list of "Basic Rights in a Relationship" like the right "to be heard by your mate and responded to with courtesy". On the level of basic morality and human rights I agree, all people are deserving of love and respect, but in my marriage, thinking of it that way has not helped me.
I was thinking "He has no right to say those things to me" and "You can't speak to me that way." Which led to me thinking, "He has to stop this". But guess what, he doesn't have to stop. Nobody is going to make him stop. I can't call the verbal abuse police to arrest him and enforce my right to be heard and responded to with courtesy. With the exception of my body and my property, relationships "rights" are not like civil or legal rights. Ultimately, all you can do is remove yourself from his presence.
Perhaps Ms. Evans and others talk about "rights" in a relationship to validate that your expectations are in fact reasonable, because abusers will try to convince you otherwise. I would prefer that such a list be called "Reasonable expectations in a Healthy Relationship".
I have also heard well meaning people tell the recipient of verbal abuse that they must demand to be treated with respect. I think that demanding respect just plays into the abuser's view of relationships as power and control based. I do however, require being treated respectfully as a condition of engagement.
When I questioned the reality of my thinking I realized that while he may not have the moral right to do what he does, he does have the freedom to do it.
* He has the freedom to speak to me however he likes.
* He has the freedom to throw things.
* He has the freedom to respond to me with anger when I tell him I feel upset by something he has done.
* He has the freedom to interpret my behavior any way he chooses.
* He has the freedom to inquire about my life and needs or not.
* He has the freedom to remain silent or approach.
He has the freedom to make those choices. I also have freedom. Previously I thought "I need to explain to him what I was really feeling" and "I have to keep talking with him to try to work things out." But I realized I don't.
* I have the freedom to disengage from someone who calls me names and tells me what I am doing or feeling.
* I have the freedom to share my thoughts and feelings only with people I feel safe with.
* He has the freedom to inquire about my life and needs or not.
* He has the freedom to remain silent or approach.
He has the freedom to make those choices. I also have freedom. Previously I thought "I need to explain to him what I was really feeling" and "I have to keep talking with him to try to work things out." But I realized I don't.
* I have the freedom to disengage from someone who calls me names and tells me what I am doing or feeling.
* I have the freedom to share my thoughts and feelings only with people I feel safe with.
* I have the freedom to stay in this marriage or not.
* I have the freedom to leave a relationship when my boundaries are not respected.
* I have the freedom to leave a relationship when my needs are not being met.
And of course with freedom, comes responsibility.
It is difficult to explain, but when I began to affirm his freedom to choose how he behaves, even if he chooses to behave in ways that are detrimental to creating a safe, loving relationship, I no longer felt so powerless and I began to affirm more of my freedom of choice.
This doesn't mean that his choices are acceptable to me. Far from it. It just helped me realize, okay, this is what he is doing, now what do I need to do?
It has helped me to question my thoughts and if I discover that some of my thoughts are distorted and not true, to replace them with more realistic ones.
I do not think it is helpful to replace accurate and realistic thoughts with distortions in order to feel better. There are systems of challenging thoughts which instead of leading to reality, may lead to self-delusion. One dangerous method I have heard of is Byron Katie. You can read about the dangers of "The Work" here:
http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?4,9147
A great book self-help book based on cognitive therapy is "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns. The parts of the Ellis/Powers book that I found helpful were based on the same concepts but gave examples based on the experiences of recipients of verbal abusive.
The Feeling Good Handbook
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life
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