Teddy Check

I am doing much better at ignoring his craziness. For months, I felt tense and on edge around him. I don't anymore. I've come to expect that he will become unexpectedly and irrationally angry from time to time. (Irrational because he is angry about what he makes up about what I'm thinking, implying and intending rather than the truth of me). I pretty much just ignore it now. I decided I will not be afraid. He is merely annoying to me now. I am so emotionally distant from him that I simply don't care. But I am still thrown off balance by the "Teddy check"

In her book Controlling People, Patricia Evans uses the analogy of how a child relates to his teddy bear to describe how a controlling person tries to create a pretend relationship with a spouse.

A teddy bear is inanimate and compliant. A child plugs his thoughts and moves into the teddy making it "do and "say" what he wants. Teddy is comforting. A child talks to Teddy, and responds for Teddy. Teddy always appreciates you and never minds if you leave her sitting around for a while. Teddy gets things done, agrees with you, and think of things to do for you, even before you ask.

I think that Bob was attracted to me because of the ways in which the real me resembles his 'dream woman'. The problem is, he does not accept those ways in which I am not his dream woman.

In adulthood, the controlling spouse, i.e. The Pretender, is trying to plug his pretend person into the body of the partner. When the authentic woman speaks up the Pretender may think "Sometimes Teddy talks about stuff but it doesn't have anything to do with you, so you just nod now and then." Teddy wants what you want.

One day Teddy is upset by something you did. How could this be? Delivering a barrage of diverting and and countering finally silences Teddy. Teddy stays quiet for a few days so okay, maybe everything is back to normal. Teddy malfunctioned briefly but maybe now she is back.

In the old days, I would always inquire about Bob's important business meetings. I was interested in his work and his successes and frustrations. Even now, I have no wish for him to fail. He is talented and I wish him well. It's just that I stopped giving that kind of attention to someone who was showing very little interest in my life and well being.

I have repeatedly and clearly spelled out the issues that need to be addressed and have been ignored. A few days ago I told him I would prefer that he would address me by my name, rather than with terms of endearment such as "sweetie" because such terms imply a degree of closeness that is not present between us. This upset him and he said sarcastically "Fine, I'll just drop this fantasy that everything is okay." "That would be great." I said.

It really would be great if he would drop the fantasy and relate to me as a real person.

As usual, after a few days have passed, Bob does what I call a "teddy check". I've been through this cycle with Bob more times than I care to remember. Even though it was late at night and I was in my room, he sought me out to tell me about his meeting that evening. I thought something out of the ordinary that I needed to know about must have happened. After listening politely for a few minutes, I realized he simply wanted to talk to Teddy. I politely told him he would need to leave because I was going to sleep now. It is so maddening that he expects a loving wife to be there for him when he has shown a near total disregard for my needs. Unbeleiveable.

If you have never been treated as Teddy, it probably sounds weird if to feel annoyed when your spouse comes to you to share their good news. In a healthy relationship, spouses share their good news with each other. However, in a healthy relationship spouses also listen to each other when the other is upset about something. They try to understand each other. They try to reach and follow through on fair agreements with each other.

Perhaps I am having a hard time seeing the reality of him as well. The idea that relationships are reciprocal seems to be hardwired into my brain. I have to remember that he doesn't see it that way. I am Teddy to him. Teddy doesn't require reciprocation.

I feel like I am caught between bad choices. Must I growl at him each morning to remind him that we don't have a relationship? If I do, he will become surly. Yet when I am simply polite, as I would be to any stranger, he thinks Teddy is back.
*

What would this conversation sound like in a healthy relationsip?

One thing that helps me not get caught up in the craziness is to ask myself "What would this conversation sound like in a healthy relationship?" Here is just one example.

This is how it went:

I got home from a day running errands.

Bob: "What are you doing here?"

me: It's 3:00, that's when I told you I'd be home.

Bob: It's 3:00! Oh no. My watch stopped. I thought it was only 1:00.

[I knew Bob had an appointment in the late afternoon but not exactly when. Today was the deadline to mail our tax returns. Last night he said he would do it today. Now I was concerned that if he was running late, either I might need to do it, or he might forget them because he was in a hurry.]

me: Are you going to mail the tax returns when you go out?

Bob: (in an irritated voice) "You don't understand. I thought it was two hours earlier."

me: I realize that you thought it was two hours earlier. What is it you think I don't understand?

Bob: You don't understand that I'm late and I don't even have the papers I need to take together yet.

me: Well it is true I don't know those things. Did you tell me?

Bob: I told you it is two hours later than I realized.

me: Yes, I understand it is later than you thought but I don't know what time you need to leave or what preparations you need to make first. I wouldn't know that because you didn't tell me.

[Not having heard any request yet, I went into another room.]

Bob: (yelling from the other room) Could you mail the tax returns?

[I did mail the tax returns but did not offer any other assistance due to the way he was behaving.]

Here is how the conversation would go in similar circumstances in a healthy relationship:

me: Are you going to mail the tax returns when you go out?

Bob: I know I said I would do it, but since I just realized my watch stopped, I'm running late. I need to leave in ten minutes and I still need to get my papers together. I would really appreciate it if you would mail them. Would you?

me: Sure honey. Sorry your watch stopped. Is there anything I can do to help you get your things together?

It is so freakin simple.

Patricia Evans says that verbal abusers not only think they can read your mind, but that you can read theirs too. Bob acted as if I should have known what time he needed to leave. I should have known that he wasn't ready yet. I should have known that he wanted me to mail the tax returns All without him explaining his situation to me and making a request.

And he shouldn't have to acknowledge that he said he would do it. He shouldn't have to ask me politely for my help. I should just know what his situation is, what he wants me to do, and just do it.

Master psychic that he is, he also knows why I asked if he would be mailing the returns. He knows it wasn't because I was concerned that if he was running late he might want me to do it or if he still intended to do it, that he might forget because he was in a hurry.

Patricia Evans compares the relationship of the abusive man to his wife with that of a child with his Teddy Bear. Teddy would know. Teddy would just take care of it. It's a wonder he didn't get upset that I didn't call him while I was out to tell him his watch had stopped. Teddy would know his watch had stopped.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

*