Words from a Man with the Courage to Change

A few people recommended a book to me called "Love Without Hurt" by Steven Stosny. I was doing a search for opinions about it and came across the blog of a man who is reading it and doing the "bootcamp" exercises for men trying to change abusive behavior. Daniel's story is a sad, but common one. On his blog he courageously acknowledges that he was verbally abusive to his wife. Sadly, they recently divorced, but Daniel is continuing the work he needs to do to heal and hopes one day to reunite with his wife, the mother of their three young children. I wish him well.

I just got the Stosny book and so far I like it very much. I'll write more about that later. When I first found Daniel's blog he had just written that he probably wouldn't be posting any more. I encouraged him to continue, if he felt like he could, because his insights might help some marriages. Daniel graciously posted again and what he said is so important I want to copy some of it here.

One thing I would like to say to both abusers and victims who might have stumbled across this:

Men don't marry their wives with the intention of abusing them (a very apt point made in Stosny's book). I married my wife to love her, protect her and to cherish her. I know this with all of my heart, and I still feel this today. I NEVER expected to be the person that she needed to be protected from.

With me, I can clearly say that every time that I've identified when I've been emotionally abusive towards Amy that it wasn't her that I really was resentful towards or that I was even angry with her. I was angry at myself. I was fearful of myself and my own feelings. I was resentful about myself. I was subconsciously acting out my hate of my mother towards her (My mother was emotionally and physically abusive towards me in my youth as well as very manipulative and controlling).

I never consciously wanted to hurt her. I never wanted her to be fearful of me. I never wanted to argue with her in front of the kids. I never wanted ANY of this!

However, this is my reality. I did these things. I am the person to blame, and I am the person who needs to fix himself.

If there is a man out there who is reading this who's been accused of emotional abuse: YOU NEED TO ACCEPT WHAT'S BEING TOLD TO YOU AND YOU NEED TO ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY! Your wife didn't make you do anything! You are the one with the responsibility of your own mouth and actions, not your wife. She didn't shrink and go inside of your head and tell you to be abusive. Don't use that excuse. The quicker you accept your wife's perspective and the quicker you get help, the more hope you will have in saving your marriage. Don't wait to take actions like I did. It will put you in a world of hurt... especially if you have kids. Take action now!

If your wife is telling you to move out: DO IT! Help her feel safe! But, let her know that you will immediately seek counseling and that you love her and want to do anything for her. Then follow through.

Jeeze. I'm on a soap box. But, these are all things that I sure wish someone would have said to me when I still had a chance with Amy. Instead, I heard Amy's warnings, but then said to myself, "Don't worry. Things will work themselves out. They always do." But, they sure didn't.

Daniel, I commend you for taking responsibility for your feelings and actions and taking steps to change. A lot of men never get to that point. I am hopeful that as more men like Daniel speak up, that slowly and surely, things will change in the world.

Acknowledging Good Men

My blogging friend Bill Howdle at Dying Man's Journal recently wrote that he has heard quite a bit of male bashing lately, so he asked his blogging friends to write some good things about particular men or men in general. I am happy to do so. Bill was sensitive to the possibility that this might be difficult for me due to my current personal situation. Actually, it isn't.

Overall, I have been quite blessed in my associations with men. My earliest experiences with men were very positive ones, starting with my father. He was kind and loving, (more nurturing than my mother). I saw him as a leader and protector who valued the simple pleasures of life and cared about his community.

My brother is also a good man. He's a hard worker who has been married to his high school sweetheart for nearly 40 years. He is dedicated to his career, but understands that providing for his children emotionally is just as important as providing for them financially. Spending time with family is a high priority for him.

I have been privileged to know several men who have volunteered at rape crisis centers and battered women shelters. They did so not only to help men and boys who are victimized, but also because they knew that these were not just "womens' issues". They understood that violence is everyone's problem because there is no man whose life is not affected by women. Women are their wives, girlfriends, daughters, mothers, and friends. These men hoped that the presence of a gentle, supportive man, might help a woman who had experienced a brutal assault against her by a man.

It is all to easy to generalize a bad experience with one gender, to all men or all women. I think it is sad when women give up on even dating anymore after a bad experience, (although the wicked part of me thinks "okey dokey -more for me"). Perhaps it is easier for me to see clearly that men aren't the problem because of my good experiences with men and because, in my opinion, my husband's hurtful behavior stems from his childhood experience of being verbally/emotionally abused by his mother - a woman.

I'm not tempted to see men as the enemy. Far from it. I love men. I love their strong arms. I love their deep voices and their whiskers. I love that they can open tight jar lids and get stuff off the high shelf. I love that a man will always kill a spider for you even though he knows you could do it yourself. I love the goofy, 'aw shucks' grin men get when you tell them how smart or strong they are. I love the little boy mischeviousness that men seem to keep no matter how old they are. I love how excited they get about sports. I love that they think there are only five colors.

I feel sad that I am not writing about how great my husband is here, although, I could write quite a bit about his good qualities and loving things he has done. I think that is an important point. The world isn't divided into guys in white hats and guys in black hats. I didn't marry the guy because he is a jerk. Most of us who find ourselves in emotionally abusive relationships know that the mean things he does are not the totality of who he is. If it were, it wouldn't be so hard to leave. And for most of us, there was a time - marriage in my case - where the man changes. Maybe I'll explore this idea further in a later post.

I too am dismayed by male-bashing. I wish there were more visible , positive portrayals of men. I don't watch much television, but my recollection is that men are portrayed as either in-charge tough guys or clueless, bungling fools. In real life, most of the good guys are the everyday heroes that you never hear about. Thank you Bill for raising this issue. We need to shine a light on the everyday greatness of good men.

Teddy Check

I am doing much better at ignoring his craziness. For months, I felt tense and on edge around him. I don't anymore. I've come to expect that he will become unexpectedly and irrationally angry from time to time. (Irrational because he is angry about what he makes up about what I'm thinking, implying and intending rather than the truth of me). I pretty much just ignore it now. I decided I will not be afraid. He is merely annoying to me now. I am so emotionally distant from him that I simply don't care. But I am still thrown off balance by the "Teddy check"

In her book Controlling People, Patricia Evans uses the analogy of how a child relates to his teddy bear to describe how a controlling person tries to create a pretend relationship with a spouse.

A teddy bear is inanimate and compliant. A child plugs his thoughts and moves into the teddy making it "do and "say" what he wants. Teddy is comforting. A child talks to Teddy, and responds for Teddy. Teddy always appreciates you and never minds if you leave her sitting around for a while. Teddy gets things done, agrees with you, and think of things to do for you, even before you ask.

I think that Bob was attracted to me because of the ways in which the real me resembles his 'dream woman'. The problem is, he does not accept those ways in which I am not his dream woman.

In adulthood, the controlling spouse, i.e. The Pretender, is trying to plug his pretend person into the body of the partner. When the authentic woman speaks up the Pretender may think "Sometimes Teddy talks about stuff but it doesn't have anything to do with you, so you just nod now and then." Teddy wants what you want.

One day Teddy is upset by something you did. How could this be? Delivering a barrage of diverting and and countering finally silences Teddy. Teddy stays quiet for a few days so okay, maybe everything is back to normal. Teddy malfunctioned briefly but maybe now she is back.

In the old days, I would always inquire about Bob's important business meetings. I was interested in his work and his successes and frustrations. Even now, I have no wish for him to fail. He is talented and I wish him well. It's just that I stopped giving that kind of attention to someone who was showing very little interest in my life and well being.

I have repeatedly and clearly spelled out the issues that need to be addressed and have been ignored. A few days ago I told him I would prefer that he would address me by my name, rather than with terms of endearment such as "sweetie" because such terms imply a degree of closeness that is not present between us. This upset him and he said sarcastically "Fine, I'll just drop this fantasy that everything is okay." "That would be great." I said.

It really would be great if he would drop the fantasy and relate to me as a real person.

As usual, after a few days have passed, Bob does what I call a "teddy check". I've been through this cycle with Bob more times than I care to remember. Even though it was late at night and I was in my room, he sought me out to tell me about his meeting that evening. I thought something out of the ordinary that I needed to know about must have happened. After listening politely for a few minutes, I realized he simply wanted to talk to Teddy. I politely told him he would need to leave because I was going to sleep now. It is so maddening that he expects a loving wife to be there for him when he has shown a near total disregard for my needs. Unbeleiveable.

If you have never been treated as Teddy, it probably sounds weird if to feel annoyed when your spouse comes to you to share their good news. In a healthy relationship, spouses share their good news with each other. However, in a healthy relationship spouses also listen to each other when the other is upset about something. They try to understand each other. They try to reach and follow through on fair agreements with each other.

Perhaps I am having a hard time seeing the reality of him as well. The idea that relationships are reciprocal seems to be hardwired into my brain. I have to remember that he doesn't see it that way. I am Teddy to him. Teddy doesn't require reciprocation.

I feel like I am caught between bad choices. Must I growl at him each morning to remind him that we don't have a relationship? If I do, he will become surly. Yet when I am simply polite, as I would be to any stranger, he thinks Teddy is back.
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Putting my Life in Drive

I find I am getting bored with this verbal abuse stuff. I think that's a good sign. It is all so predictable and stupid. I've learned about it, tried everything I know to do, and it just keeps coming up the same. Now that it bores me, rather than intrigues me, I can quit spending so much time and energy trying to figure out WTF is going on with him and devote all that energy to me.

It has been good and necessary for me to go way into it though. At least it is no longer such a mystery, such a shock. I'll still be posting about verbal abuse and I expect there will be skirmishes ahead. But now I want to focus on the Getting Out part. I callled this blog "Getting Verbal Abuse out of my Life, not knowing whether it would be gone because he knocks it off, or because I remove myself from his presence. It looks like it will be the latter. Either way is fine with me. There is no place for such nonsense in my life.

Here are some excerpts from an inspiring post by Belle I read a while back:

At least I am making and taking steps and I am happy about that. Finally I have put my life into drive! Even if you are reving and racing the motor,you will never get anywhere in "park".

You can think about changing your life all you want...BUT....thinking ain't DOING! Looking at the "big picture", overwhelms me, so I have to break things down in manageable-doable steps. Some steps may not seem major to others. Don't worry about that. Do what YOU have to do. Have a goal and then have a plan. Then do something about it!

How exciting to live your life in "drive".

How very sad to pass those that CHOOSE to live their lives in "park", while they,wait, and wait and wait some more for the perfect opportunity or the perfect time to "go for it". Only to wake up and discover one day, that the chance and opportunity is GONE.

So, to all of you out there on the highway of life....BEEP...BEEP...!
Ready or not....here comes ^Belle^, putting her life in drive and taking it to the limit!

http://neveragain.blogstream.com/v1/pid/220967.html#TP

I've been revving and racing the motor for some time now. That's okay. I needed to do that. I'm kinda stuck in an icy patch, but I've managed to get out of some tough spots before. I figure I can do it again. Sometimes pulling out isn't quick and easy. You have to rock the car back and forth, put some gravel or salt under the tires.You may need a friend to give you a push. But if you keep at it, usually, you'll catch some dirt and start moving forward.

Twilight Zone

I can be having a normal conversation with him when suddenly a door opens into another dimension. A dimension which exists only in his mind. He's moved into a land of only shadow, no substance, where you exist only as a thing, an idea, a projection. You've just crossed over into . . . The Twilight Zone.


It's difficult to describe the sensation. I feel a jolt, then dizzy and confused. It is as if a small earthquake hits and when I reach out for something to hold on to, I grab hold of one of those electric horse fences which delivers a mild shock, and then a tree branch falls on my head.

In his twilight zone:

• He knows what I think, what I feel, and even what I am going to do.If I attempt to correct his misperceptions, he says he realizes that I truly believe what I am saying but he knows what I am really doing, albeit unconsciously.
  

• I cause his behavior. He has no choice about how to behave when he has angry feelings. Angry feelings necessarily result in abusive behavior.
  

• Only the victim has freedom of choice, and if she chooses to engage in behavior which provokes the perpetrator, what he does next is her fault. (What constitutes provocative behavior is determined by the perpetrator's twisted interpretation rather than intent or knowledge of the victim.)
  

• If you are with the right person, the relationship will automatically work out. What you do, or don't do, has no effect on the outcome.
  

Does any of this make sense to you? I hope not. If it doesn't, congratulations, you are in touch with reality.

If you are in touch with reality, you know that each person's feelings and thoughts are located in their own body. You know that while you may be able to imagine what another might be feeling or thinking, you also realize that it is tentative, a possibility which can only be verified by the other.

If you are in touch with reality you know that no one else causes another's behavior. You recognize that no one else moves your arms and legs and mouth.

You realize that while initial attraction and common interests with another either exist or not, how you interact with that person over time determines whether the relationship will thrive or die.

It's normal to feel disoriented when you encounter someone who is living in a world of make believe, and they don't even know it.

He grew up in the twilight zone, blamed for his parent's abuse of him. Because he was a child, he believed it. The parents who abused him were regarded by the rest of the world as well functioning, highly successful, pillars of the community. No one was there to tell him it wasn't his fault. He had no way of knowing that even though nothing he could do would change the way they treated him, that how he behaves in adult relationships with normal people does make a difference.

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Verbal Abuse is Not About You

Sometimes I look at the words people type in the various search engines that lead them to my blog, and sometimes it breaks my heart.

Today there was this search: "my husband verbally abuses me because I'm fat"

I wish I could give this woman a big hug.

He doesn't abuse you because you're fat; he abuses you because he is abusive.

A good husband would never use an area of sensitivity as a weapon to hurt you. If you weren't overweight, he would find something else mean to say.

My husband is rather portly, and a bit sensitive about it. I know he feels bad about his weight and I would never want to make him feel worse. I have told him I love HIM whatever size he may be.

Even though he has said mean things to me, it would never even occur to me to call him fat. I couldn't feel good about myself if I deliberately inflicted pain on him.

So please know that whenever someone abuses you, it's not about you. It is directed towards you, but it is really about the person who is hurting you.

It is their shame, their pain, their inadequacies. Abuse is always unwarranted regardless of your imperfections. Just because you aren't perfect, doesn't mean you deserve to be abused.

I am so sorry for the pain of this woman, and every other woman and man and child who has felt the sting of ugly words. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it. You deserve love. We all do.

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"I Just Lost It"

If you've been abused, you've probably heard that one. "I just lost it". I've never believed it and today I saw the most ridiculous example yet of that particular mode of denying responsibility.

He was up first today and made some coffee. I poured myself a cup and tasted it. Yuck. There is a particular brand of coffee he sometimes buys that I don't like at all. It tastes like very weak coffee brewed with soapy water.

I did the considerate thing and asked if he wanted the coffee I had just poured but didn't want to drink, because I was going to make a new pot. "Sure", he said.

While pouring the coffee from my cup into his nearly empty cup, I spilled some. "Way to go. Nice job.", he said sarcastically. I looked at him and said, "You know, when you say things like that, it makes it highly unlikely I will try to do anything nice for you in the future." He averted his eyes, said nothing and went to get a napkin to wipe up the spill.

A couple hours later he said "I'm sorry I barked at you." "I just lost it." How pathetic. The other times he claims to have "lost it" at least feelings were running high, and while there is no excuse for abusive behavior, at least it is understandable that he may have had strong feelings. Now he tells me "I just lost it" as if anyone would become enraged when some coffee was spilled!?!

He spills stuff constantly and I have never put him down for that. I've always been a bit of a spiller. He used to say he found my clumsiness "cute" and "endearing". It is only now, when I am not falling for his crap anymore, that it becomes an opportunity for him to abuse me. What an idiot.

Next time, I'll just pour the coffee down the drain rather than offer it to him. If that upsets him I'll say, "Sorry, I just lost it."

It's hard to train myself out of acting with basic courtesy towards a person in the same house, but I'm slowly learning.

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Context is More Damaging than Content

My post It's not abuse, it's just my interpretation? was discussed by corboy on the Rick Ross cults and destructive groups forum. Thank you corboy for your articulate expansion of my idea .

Corboy wrote:

The person who wrote this blog has reached the heart of the matter. The horror/shock quotient is not always the content of the message, but is often influenced by WHO DELIVERS THAT MESSAGE.

The term 'verbal abuse' may not be enough to provide a full description of what accounts for the impact. I would invite us to ponder the term 'relationship-specific abuse.' For, verbal content is not enough to account for the stunning power of certain utterances or even gestures.

Its when the words or gestures or battery take place in the context of a relationship based on mutual trust, and thus shatter that trust, that it becomes abusive and trust-shattering.

For we select spouses and friends based on trust that they will never do such things to us in the first place! ('To have and to hold, to honor and to cherish...')

[snip]

If the local insane drunkard on the corner calls me a filthy name, I can write it off. The person is, clearly nuts. I have not given this person the level of radical trust that I would give a lover or ultra close friend.

But if your spouse, your lover or your close friend were, suddenly, within the existing frame of that trust-bonded relationship call you that same bad name that the nut on the corner gave you--you'd be blown away.

The book I was discussing, "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse " says that the reason your partner's remarks cut so deep is that they "cut straight into the painful self-doubts and non-acceptance of yourself you have had since early childhood" That may be for some people, some of the time, but as corboy and I have noted, it ain't necessarily so.

I hope that targets of relational abuse will not automatically accept the pronouncement that their pain is solely, or primarily, due to their old insecurities . If old pain is part of it, it certainly makes sense to work towards healing those wounds and loving yourself despite your imperfections. One very helpful mantra I got from the book was "Just because I'm not perfect, doesn't mean I deserve to be abused."

We all have imperfections, and an abuser will use your humanness as an excuse for his abuse. If there is any truth in the deprecating remarks, and your partner knows, or should know, of your sensitivity, that makes his behavior all the more deplorable. Someone who loves you does not jab you in your sensitive areas.

I realized the relational context was what made the abuse most painful, so I stopped thinking of him as 'my husband'. It wasn't that hard to do because he does very little which is consistent with that role.

I used to think of him both in terms of who he is - Bob and his relationship to me, - husband., i.e. my husband, Bob. Now, I simply think of him as "Bob". Well, not only 'Bob' actually. I think of him as Bob the emotionally handicapped guy who lives in the other side of the house.

It's easier that way. I don't expect or want anything from him that way. He's just a guy with profound limitations. I don't need to label or dehumanize him by thinking of him as "the abuser". To the best of my ability I try to cultivate an attitude of indifference.

When I can pull it off, I feel better. When I remember he is my husband, and I long for that caring connection, it hurts. But that's okay too. Sometimes it's good to just hurt for a while.

)

That's Not Love

It's confusing when he says he loves me. He may mean it, based on what 'love' means to him, but it's not love, as I understand it.

I love this Keb Mo song because he reminds me "That's not Love":



It ain't you
No it ain't me
That's not the way
Love's supposed to be

And it's just no good
No it ain't right
For you to be sitting all alone
Crying every night

You're down on your knees
Scared he's gonna leave
But if you really wanna know
You're gonna have to let go
´Cause that's not love

Love don't feel that bad
That's not love
It don't feel that sad
No that's not love
'Cause you don't feel good inside
I don't know what it is
But that's not love

Inside your heart
It's always raining
And you're oh so tired
Tired of your own complaining

This is for real
It ain't no game
You can't measure your love
By the depths of your pain

Just Like You

He really doesn't see.

Bless his heart, I think he genuinely is trying, but he just doesn't get it. On his own initiative, he took the time to write down his understanding of what I was upset about in a recent interaction. He asked me to listen and tell him if his understanding was correct.

I appreciate his good intentions and effort, but after talking with him for an hour or so, I left feeling awful. I realize it is because even in the process of trying to work it out, he continues to define me, i.e. telling me how I was feeling and what I was doing.

When the core problem is defining the other, it cannot be worked through in a conversation where the boundary violations continue. Such a discussion doesn't solve the problem, it is the problem. As Patricia Evans writes:

The verbal abuse is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having a real argument about a real issue, both parties may feel angry but they can say "this is what I'm feeling angry about " or "this is what I want" and eventually, if there is good will on both their parts, the issue is resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse and this issue is not resolved.

Each person must see and hear the other in order to understand. Each must be aware of their own feelings and be able to distinguish their own feelings from the other person's feelings. I just thought everybody knew this. Evidently not.

When I told him what my motives had been, what I was feeling, and what I had said, he concluded, "It couldn't have happened that way or I wouldn't have reacted the way I did." Sigh . Rather than consider that his perceptions of me were inaccurate, he concludes that I am in error.

He seems perplexed when I tell him that how I feel is not a matter of 'opinion' where his guess is as good as mine. He truly does not realize that he does not have the ability to know for certain how another person feels without asking them.

I am glad I got to see Bob's confusion about emotional and psychic boundaries at a time when both of us were calm rather than upset. It gives me more clarity. And that helps me accept how things are.

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It's not abuse, it's just my interpretation?

I want to mention a book I have mixed feelings about. The book is "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse" by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. It is based on the principles of cognitive therapy which I am familiar with through the work of Dr. David Burns who I highly recommend. I found the ideas about changing my thoughts about the situation to be very helpful, but I will address my main area of disagreement with the authors first.

One of the main concepts of the book is: "You, and only you, create all of your feelings"

Well, ur, not really. If that were true there would be no such a thing as verbal abuse. If it were only our interpretation of events that hurts us then one could say, "Its not abuse when your husband calls you a fat, ugly, stupid, worthless cunt, it's just your interpretation of the event that leads you to feel bad." Give me a break.

Even if you know that you are not a fat, ugly, stupid, worthless cunt, you don't need to believe there is any truth to the statement to be shocked and stunned that your husband said those things. Or suppose you are overweight and maybe you aren't the brightest bulb on the tree, you certainly aren't worthless and it is horrifying that someone who claims to love you would try to use something you might feel sensitive about to demean you.

The worst part for me isn't the actual words, it is that this person who claims to love me, my husband, is trying make me feel bad, whether I accept his assessment of me or not. You could be a fashion model with a genuis IQ and still be hurt, not because you believe the words, but because your husband spoke them, and tried to make you feel "less than".

"You, and only you, create all of your feelings" is no more true than the old "sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" routine. Or the classic "I'm not responsible for your feelings". Where did that come from? Is it some co-dependency recovery run amok? I usually hear someone say "I'm not responsible for his/her feelings" from people who have just done something particularly shitty to another person and now wish to absolve themselves of any responsibility for the harm they caused. But I digress.

Later in the book the authors appear to contradict their main thesis and acknowledge that while you have some choice about how you feel, that it is not a complete choice. I agree.

I would not recommend this book as the first one to read about verbal abuse. Patricia Evan's book is far superior. Evan's book validates the pain, confusion and frustration. It is important to first feel the pain. It's also important to move out of pain. That's where the Ellis/Powers concepts helped me.

I'll post about the helpful aspects of the book next time. (Unless something more interesting or urgent comes up.)

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Love yourself first.

I found this beautiful video about emotional abuse by Mariana.





Mariana's Blog: Emotional Abuse


Mariana wisely reminds us:

Don't believe their words. Believe their concrete actions.

Does your partner's words and promises match his/her actions?

Does your partner tell you he/she loves you and you are special but goes on with his life, ignoring you and ignoring your feelings?

You don't need an abuser in your life.

You deserve someone who will love you and respect you for who you are, not for what they can get from you.

Choose to Love Yourself First.

Thank you for sharing your gentle strength Mariana.

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So-called "apology"

This morning there was a note from him on the kitchen counter apologizing for mimicking me Saturday night. He said he realized it was an expression of contempt which probably hurt me and he was sorry. He didn't attempt to justify or explain it. I thought that was progress.

I sat down at the table in the adjacent dining area to eat my breakfast. He came in the kitchen and I said "thank you for the apology". He said "Thank you for thanking me" then went outside. My heart fell. When he came back in the kitchen as I was getting up from the table I said "When you just walk away after I acknowledged your apology and don't come sit by me and show some warmth and caring, it doesn't feel like an apology."

"I'm sorry that didn't work for you" he said coldly, "but I don't have time to discuss it now".

It hurts because I thought for a moment that he actually cared and then got slapped with the reality of his coldness. I suspect his so-called apology was just a pro-forma because he thinks he may need my help with something. Now, even his so called apology was just another wound.

I don't know if he knows what he is doing or if he is just that tuned out. Doesn't matter I suppose. I told him how I felt and he coldly turned away again. Sometimes I'm amazed that anything he does can still hurt me, but this did. I've spent so much time hoping that one day I might hear from him the words that recognized my pain. Then for a moment I thought 'maybe' and then that hope was dashed. Again.


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"You got mad at me"

Yesterday Bob was recounting some of his grievances against me. I realized that almost every one of them was basically, "You got mad at me". What he did that I was mad about was irrelevant.

For example he reminds me that I got mad at him when he barked at me "Why don't you just fucking tell me!" when I asked if he wanted to hear my ideas about where to stay that night when we were on vacation one summer.

He was driving down a steep, curvy, dark mountain road late at night and I thought it might be taking all his concentration. He interpreted my question as (can you guess?) as an ATTACK. He did not recognize that I was being considerate. He thought I was ACCUSING him of not wanting to hear what I had to say. He later told me that because I had previously complained that often I felt like he didn't want to hear what I had to say, that I was accusing him of doing that again.

I start to feel dizzy just trying to follow his logic. Seems to me that if your loved one sometimes felt like you didn't want to hear what they said that you might make an effort to show that you are interested rather than yell "What don't you just fucking tell me!"

So that was the horrible thing I did - I got mad. Imagine the nerve!

Okay, but I confess that wasn't all I did. I was scared. It was a bad road and I don't want to be a passenger in a car with an enraged man at the wheel. So about five minutes later I said I had to pee. He pulled over. I got some warm clothes and shoes from my suitcase in the trunk. We were in very remote country. We had not seen another car in two hours. Nonetheless, I told him I was not getting back in that car with him unless I was driving and until he calmed down. And if that meant I spent the night under a pine tree, so be it.

"Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempt to raise her grievances she is 'provoking' him. ", says Lundy Bancroft in "Why Does He Do That?".

It is commonly believed that abusive men have a problem managing their anger. This is what Bancroft says:

"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he tries to take away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone."

No wonder Bob is so unhappy. Despite his relentless attempts, he has never been able to convince me that there is something wrong with me for feeling angry. So I do not dispute his grievances. Yes, I got mad. And I'm not sorry. Anger is a healthy response to abuse.

Bancroft says this about abusers and anger:

HE ISN'T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE'S ANGRY BECAUSE HE'S ABUSIVE.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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I wonder if he knows . . .

I wonder if he knows that I don't like being around him.

I usually get up a few hours before he does. Does he know that when I hear the first sounds of him stirring that I get a knot in my stomach?

On those all too rare occasions that he goes somewhere, does he know that I freeze inside when I hear his car in the driveway when he returns?

Does he know that even if I am hungry I won't go in the kitchen if he is there?

And if he knew all that, would he feel sad or glad?

Would he feel like he had really established his authority?

Would he feel a sense of failure? Remorse?

I hate that I don't feel relaxed in my own home. It makes everything I do so much harder when I have to "psyche myself up" to exist in the same house but I'm getting better at it. He's really a very weak, scared man who feels powerless.



I am working on leaving. I am not trapped here, although it feels that way at times. It helps me to reframe my situation as a choice. Strictly speaking, I could leave here today and go to a hotel or a friend's house. I could just say the hell with it, I'm outa here. But I am choosing to take the step by step route right now because I think that is in my best interest for the long term. It's a trade off.

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Advice for Men: How to Create an Unhappy Marriage

Obviously, overt abuse will do it, as will infidelity, but there are also covert and unthinking ways, to suck the lifeblood and happiness out of any woman. Some of these techniques fall under the category of 'withholding'. So here's my short list for tonight:

1. Stop all fun and romance, and preferably sex as well.

Remember all those good times you had before you got married? The dinner and dancing dates, the parties, the long talks? Well, stop all that immediately.

Remember, she married you so now she's stuck and she's not going anywhere without a whole lot of trouble. Stop courting her and complimenting her. Do not ask her out on a date. She'll be happy watching ESPN with you. Do not buy her flowers or femmy gifts like jewelry and lingerie. Especially avoid going on vacation. Vacation removes the focus of your relationship from her being your maid/gardener/secretary/tax and investment advisor/ and all around girl Friday to having fun together.

2. Let her know how sexy you find other women.

Definitely watch porn. If she objects, be sure to tell her she needs to deal with her insecurity and stop being so controlling.

Ogle other women when you are together.

Comment on the sexiness of movie stars, random women on he street, and your teenage daughter's friends. Letting your wife know how hot you think her girlfriends are is particularly effective. This serves the dual purpose of hurting her sexual confidence while making her uncomfortable having her friends around you, thus isolating her from support systems.

3. Treat her like an employee.

Marriage is primarily getting cheap labor right? Be sure to try to get her to do more and more. Point out frequently how you provide most of the money and how she therefore owes you. This works very well if you have inherited wealth and you do next to nothing. Be sure to flaunt the newest gadget you got while she does without.

If you want to be especially demeaning, tell her to give you a bill for the work she does. This ensures that her loving contributions to the partnership are treated like mere services

4. Don't keep your commitments.

Keeping commitments builds trust and a sense of partnership. Breaking commitments will destroy trust. You don't have to treat a commitment to your wife like a commitment to someone else. It's okay to keep her waiting. It's okay to say you'll do something and then not do it ever. This way you train her to not believe a word you say.

5. Do not listen to her.

If she gets tired of all of the above and tries to talk to you, whatever you do - do not listen or attempt to understand her point of view and feelings.

Immediately ask her:

"Are you blaming me?" or "Are you saying it's my fault?"

This effectively moves the focus from her complaint and puts her on the defensive. She will now try to explain that she is not blaming you and her complaint is lost in the hub-bub.

6. Do not take the initiative to work things through - ever.

Have you heard of the 'time out' technique"? This is a common method couples use to go calm down so they can get back together and work things out. Since you don't want to work things out, you just want her to stop her bitching, you can ask for a time out, but never come back.

Be sure to act like nothing happened the next day. Most problems resolve themselves - NOT!

7. No matter what she says about how unhappy she is or that she may need to end the marriage - do not believe her.

Those are just words, just so much blah, blah, blah. She's probably got PMS or in the older woman, perhaps menopause.

And if you really want to make her crazy, when she finally leaves your neglectful sorry ass to make a life where she is appreciated, cherished and adored, act astonished when you come home to find she has moved out. Tell her you realize how much you love her and that you want to work on the relationship. Then of course, do none of these things.

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Hope is the enemy

The times when he is 'playing nice' are actually harder on me than total cold disengagement. I feel so much better when I don't interact with him.

On Sunday, we actually appeared to resolve something. And he has really been helpful with day to day household needs. But that is a far cry from dealing with the fundamental problems.

He still thinks it is perfectly fine to tell me what I am doing, what I think and what I feel. He ran a whole trip on me Sunday. He told me that I had 'berated' him the night before. That then I felt good because I had gone off on him and that was why I was now feeling happy. None of it - none of it - had an ounce of truth in it. In fact he had the whole thing completely wrong.

I did not 'berate' him, I expressed some of the pain I felt when he had done certain things. It did not feel good, I felt horrible. I was happy on Sunday, but that was because I had spent a lot of time work through my feelings and adjusting my thinking to disconnect from him once again.

I didn't tell him what was really going on with me because Patricia Evans advises not to explain in response to someone who is defining you. She says that this just gives them the impression that it is okay to define you, but in this instance they were wrong. I did tell him he was wrong, and tried to point out how illogical it is to think he could know what I was doing, thinking and feeling, but he does not agree. He says it is his 'intuition'. No amount of reality will convince him otherwise.

He said that he had read a little bit in a John Gottman book about power sharing in a marriage. That's good. But I told him that in order for me to begin to feel safe with him, I need to know that he is reading or doing something everyday. He nodded and was sweet and said he would.

Monday - nothing.

Tuesday - nothing.

Wednesday - nothing.

Same old avoidance. Same old saying one thing and doing another.

I have to admit that those old hopeful feelings come up again. That desire to feel safe, the desire to feel loved and cherished. Hope, has become my enemy.

At least hope for a happy life with him is the enemy. Hope for me, hope for a better life for myself is the hope I need to nurture.

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Let's Make a Deal

So last night he tells me he is sorry he called me a bitch. Unfortunately, further conversation revealed that he is still holding me responsible for how he behaves.

I told him that in order to feel safe with him again, I need to know that he accepts full responsibility for his behavior and that name calling will not happen in the future under any circumstances.

"What?", he said. "You want me to just unilaterally disarm?" "This isn't a war", I told him. "Weapons have no place in a marriage."

I pointed out that I had stopped yelling, because I knew it bothered him. I no longer slam doors. I don't try to continuing engaging with him when he wants to stop talking, even though he has not kept a 'time out' agreement in a year. (When he takes a 'time out' it doesn't mean he is going to go calm down so we can better discuss the issue. It is his way of disengaging for weeks.) "I did all that", I told him, "and your behavior has not changed."

He wouldn't agree to a ban on name calling regardless of circumstances. (double standard here). Basically, he says if I do something to make him mad (like tell him I am upset about something he did or didn't do) then he will reserve the right to 'fight back'.

This is what Lundy Bancroft says in "Why does he do that?"

He justifies his hurtful or frightening acts or says that you "made him do it."

The abuser uses your behavior as an excuse for his own. He therefore refuses to commit unconditionally to stop using a degrading or intimidating behavior. Instead, he insists on setting up a quid pro quo, where he says he'll stop some form of abuse if you agree to give up something that bothers him, which often will be something that you have every right to do.

So I'm not going to take that 'deal'. I could use 'I feel' statements and stroking and never raise my voice over a whisper and he would still find a way to justify abuse.

Just because I'm not perfect
doesn't mean I deserve to be abused.

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Is there hope for me?

Today I made an appointment for a phone consultation with Patricia Evans. I feel better just after my conversation with her to set up the appointment.

I knew that I was feeling beaten down, but maybe I didn't realize how far I have fallen. During my conversation with Patricia she said "You're smart" and "You're doing a good job" and "You can have a vibrant career with a lot of men to date who you could drop at the first hint of abuse."

I started to cry when she said those things. How long has it been since anyone told me those things? How did I lose so much faith in myself?

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I hate my husband.

I know I'm not alone. I don't know if any other women hate my husband, but I'm pretty sure there are other women who hate their husbands. We just don't say so do we. But we think it, and we feel it.

I hate him for treating me so disrespectfully. I hate him for calling me "bitch", "cunt". Those words cut deep and a woman can never feel the same way about a man after he calls her that.

I hate him for forgetting I am a woman and treating me like his servant.

I hate him for rarely sleeping in the same bed with me.

I hate him for rarely taking a vacation with me.

I hate him for rarely taking me out on a date.

I hate him for rarely bringing me flowers.

I hate his cluelessness.

I hate him for making sexual comments about other women.

I hate him for looking at porn.

I hate him for only making love to me once a month since we got married.

I hate him for being so cheap with me even though he has lots of money.

He is so fucking lazy. He is the laziest man I have ever seen. I had no idea. His schedule:

noon: wake up
-1:30 lay in bed
-3:00 get up and eat breakfast.
-4:30 get the mail and read catalogs and offers for miracle cures.
-6:30 go on internet
-8:00 make dinner and eat
-11:00 play the guitar
-3:00 back on the internet

except on rare occasions, schedule does not include housework, or even moving his own shit off the dining table or anywhere else.

Okay. I admit it, I sound like a bitch. But which came first? The way he treated me came first. I was not like this before.

Why doesn't she just leave you ask? I am. I am leaving. There's a world out there.There is life out there. I want to live again.
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