The Little Things - There's Nothing Bigger

One might justifiably think that I sometimes blog about 'little things', like a conversation about mailing the tax returns and having to wait for him frequently. In one way, I agree, those are small issues. If the big issues, like name calling and throwing things, had never materialized, I probably would pay them no mind. But as my understanding of the dynamics of the abusive relationship has increased, I now see the 'little things' as symptomatic of a general mindset that guarantees there can be no mutually rewarding intimate relationship.

Mindreading, particularly negative mindreading is a feature of my husband's psyche which plays out with me and with other people. I know he does it with me, because I know what I am thinking, feeling and intending. I also strongly suspect he also does it with other people because I have been there and seen the same interactions he has seen and I come away thinking there was probably a misunderstanding and he comes away convinced that the person was deliberately being nasty to him. Often, a minimally unpleasant interaction with a service person, for example, is an injustice he will long remember.

We haven't done anything fun together in a long time. Last night, I was enjoying the evening breeze and the stars and recalling a brief getaway we had to a lovely rustic hotel last May. "Remember how great it was sitting on the porch of La Luna Inn last year honey?", I remarked. "Yeah, except that waiter at dinner thought I was an idiot about wine."

Last year, this was merely annoying. Now I realize that he doesn't just wonder whether possibly the waiter did not respect his taste in wine, but he knows that this waiter didn't think he was "okay." (It's not just an opinion on his taste in wine, it's a reflection on his value as a person.) And he knows that the waiter was deliberately nasty to him.

Well, I was there, and it seemed to me that the waiter did not understand a comment my husband made and was replying to what he thought he had said. The bill hadn't been paid yet and it seems unlikely to me that a waiter would deliberately insult a customer just before check presentation. And even if the waiter had thought his taste in wine was abysmal, so what? Does his self image rise and fall on the opinions of waiters? Sadly, I fear it does.

Since he doesn't have sufficient self-esteem on board, I guess he doesn't shrug it off the way I do. I told him I thought he might be happier if he'd just let that stuff go. After all, one will encounter an occasional unfriendly clerk or waiter. That's just life.

This is far from the first time I have seen that in a situation where 99% of what has happened is positive, he will focus on the 1% that is negative. And a lot of times the negative isn't even there. I have noticed that generally I think I am treated well out there in the world. He doesn't understand why he isn't. I suspect that he is, but when he reacts to ambiguous situations by assuming hostile intent, then some people do become hostile. I am tired of struggling to remain positive in the face of his negativity. It seems that it is more important to him to discuss endlessly the maltreatment of a waiter (real or imagined) than to drop it and get on with having a good time together.

At least I can leave him to his indignant ruminations, temporarily and eventually permanently. He, on the other hand, has to live inside the hostile world he creates in his mind. It must suck being him.



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Hope is the enemy

The times when he is 'playing nice' are actually harder on me than total cold disengagement. I feel so much better when I don't interact with him.

On Sunday, we actually appeared to resolve something. And he has really been helpful with day to day household needs. But that is a far cry from dealing with the fundamental problems.

He still thinks it is perfectly fine to tell me what I am doing, what I think and what I feel. He ran a whole trip on me Sunday. He told me that I had 'berated' him the night before. That then I felt good because I had gone off on him and that was why I was now feeling happy. None of it - none of it - had an ounce of truth in it. In fact he had the whole thing completely wrong.

I did not 'berate' him, I expressed some of the pain I felt when he had done certain things. It did not feel good, I felt horrible. I was happy on Sunday, but that was because I had spent a lot of time work through my feelings and adjusting my thinking to disconnect from him once again.

I didn't tell him what was really going on with me because Patricia Evans advises not to explain in response to someone who is defining you. She says that this just gives them the impression that it is okay to define you, but in this instance they were wrong. I did tell him he was wrong, and tried to point out how illogical it is to think he could know what I was doing, thinking and feeling, but he does not agree. He says it is his 'intuition'. No amount of reality will convince him otherwise.

He said that he had read a little bit in a John Gottman book about power sharing in a marriage. That's good. But I told him that in order for me to begin to feel safe with him, I need to know that he is reading or doing something everyday. He nodded and was sweet and said he would.

Monday - nothing.

Tuesday - nothing.

Wednesday - nothing.

Same old avoidance. Same old saying one thing and doing another.

I have to admit that those old hopeful feelings come up again. That desire to feel safe, the desire to feel loved and cherished. Hope, has become my enemy.

At least hope for a happy life with him is the enemy. Hope for me, hope for a better life for myself is the hope I need to nurture.

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