Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Nothing more I can do here

PhotobucketMy abusive husband says that he called me a bitch because I provoked him. Classic abuser thinking. As if I had the power to move the muscles of his lips. And to force his hand to pick up my telephone and throw it.

I know that nothing can be done so long as he either honestly believes or hopes that I'll believe, that his abusive behavior is due to my so called 'provocation'.

He has an incredible sense of entitlement. He calls names, throws things and says it is my fault. I try to tell him how I feel when he does those things and he immediately says "You're blaming me".

Actually the 'blame' word never entered my mind. The need to find out who is to blame is a feature of dysfunctional relating. But even if 'blame' were, relevant, Here is how he sees it: What I do causes his feelings and his behavior, but what he does is in no way causes my feelings. Sick.

Last friday, I asked him to quit touching me. I hate the way he tries to act nice when this stuff has happened. But he always does. So he said he would quit touching me. We speak only a few words to each other during the day, and of course I sleep alone.

I used to feel lonely and shut out when that would happen. Now I just feel relief. I am doing so much better now that I don't engage with him. And now that I have given up hope. Well, maybe not all hope. When I move out, I guess there is some possibility he will reconsider whether he has a problem. But I have no hope that anything will change until I do something that drastic.

In the meantime, at least I have peace. I am finding it easier to concentrate on my work. I am getting the backlog done slowly but surely. I don't spend time fixing the house up and the yard now, because I won't be here. I am so sad about that because I LOVE this house. And I wanted so badly to have a home. But it's not home where someone is abusing you, no matter how beautiful the floors and walls.


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