Monday, March 31, 2008

Is there hope for me?

Today I made an appointment for a phone consultation with Patricia Evans. I feel better just after my conversation with her to set up the appointment.

I knew that I was feeling beaten down, but maybe I didn't realize how far I have fallen. During my conversation with Patricia she said "You're smart" and "You're doing a good job" and "You can have a vibrant career with a lot of men to date who you could drop at the first hint of abuse."

I started to cry when she said those things. How long has it been since anyone told me those things? How did I lose so much faith in myself?


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Did I mention my drinking problem?

I was never much of a drinker - until I married him. Then the pain along with being trapped in the same house, unable to get away, being forced to see him, I started drinking to cope with the pain.

Only at night, but now, every night. Before bed I drink. 2, 3, shots of something. If something really painful has happened, more, much more. Occasionally so that I have a slight hangover in the morning.

Once I am gone, I suspect I will stop drinking like this and return to my 2 drinks on a weekend night out with friends pre-marital level.

I hate being married to him. I really truly hate it. I wish I could turn back the clock and say no. I wish that the times I left him before we were married that I had stayed gone.

I had too much hope, too much faith in his ability to change.

Now if only I had that kind of hope and faith in myself. At one time I did.


No abuse, but no partnership either

Even when he isn't being ordering or cranky or calling me names and telling me what I am doing and what I am thinking as if he can read my mind, it still doesn't seem like he knows I am there.

From the beginning of our marriage, there was no sense of partnership, no sense of 'we'. I was struck by Patricia Evans saying that in a verbally abusive marriage, the couple doesn't really plan together. The man won't.

I don't even get a honeymoon period between abusive episodes. The best it gets, with rare exceptions, is nothingness. When I realized I now think of the absence of contact as an improvement, I feel very sad. How in the hell did I get stuck in this? Excellent question. We'll take that up later.


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