Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is that my marriage didn't make it.

The good news is that it is happening in a way which makes leaving much easier on me.

His changes didn't last when the heat was on. I am disappointed, but not surprised.

He began to revert while while under a lot of stress preparing for a business trip out of the country. He was to be gone for a few months. I was planning to join him in the middle of his stay so we could spend a few weeks traveling together. I was very excited about the prospect of finally having some fun together again as we had not vacationed together in 3 years.

After his irritability in the days just before he left, I began to feel uneasy about going. After he had gone, we worked thing through on the phone, so I was planning still to go.

During one phone call, I asked him to get some information I needed in order to finalize our plans. Planning a trip is a lot of work - work he leaves to me. (He really isn't good at that sort of thing.) He said he would let me know the next day. He had been calling or emailing most days. Then nothing for three days.

I finally called him. I told him I was upset that he hadn't called. He responded with coldness and bullshit excuses.No matter how busy you are, you can find 5 minutes to call or send an email even if it is to say I am insanely busy.

Evidently he didn't reach of the point of recognizing that I also have needs, pressures and feelings which are just as important as his. I really think that this is a total blind spot for him, that he thinks that when he is stressed about work, total self absorption on his part is justified and asserting any of my own needs, however small, is incredibly selfish of me.

I know better of course. I know many men who, under pressure, still recognize the needs of their loved ones and even call their wives every night when out of town. It's just not that difficult, if you truly love. When you love, it's not something you *have* to do, it's something you WANT to do.

So that call went badly, as did the next. He was dismissive and defensive. I waited several days thinking he would call after his main big event was over and hoped we could work it out. Two days after that even was over, I had heard nothing. I decided not to go. I canceled my ticket and decided to move out while he was gone.

He never did call. He emailed 36 hours before I was to leave and to told me not to come. I wasn't expecting that. I replied and told him that I agreed and, in fact, I had already canceled my ticket several days ago. Even though I had already decided not to go, his sending me an 11th hour email saying 'don't come' although hurtful, was wonderful validation that I was doing the right thing.

This was so strange, even for him, that I strongly suspect there is a woman involved. This work trip for him would include some major ego boosting events where he could well have met a woman he wanted to woo. I don't know for certain, but his behavior certainly suggests it. If so - she can have him!

This feels sooo right. I have sadness of course, but the time away from him has been really good for me. I miss the good stuff about having him around, but I don't miss the emotional/energy drain that came with the bad stuff. I just feel so much more "even" now. I have also come to realize that most of my good memories about him were things that happened before we got married.

I had hope my husband would make lasting changes. He made a lot of improvement, but he blew it in a major way once the stress/ego boast time came on.

He has been gone several months now, well past his original planned date of return. I have rented an apartment, which I am moving in to gradually. I haven't yet told him I'm moving out. I don't know how all that will come together yet. Right now, I'm just enjoying the time and space to get my bearings, move forward, and rest a bit before the next phase.

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