Wednesday, January 20, 2010

I have bad news and good news.

The bad news is that my marriage didn't make it.

The good news is that it is happening in a way which makes leaving much easier on me.

His changes didn't last when the heat was on. I am disappointed, but not surprised.

He began to revert while while under a lot of stress preparing for a business trip out of the country. He was to be gone for a few months. I was planning to join him in the middle of his stay so we could spend a few weeks traveling together. I was very excited about the prospect of finally having some fun together again as we had not vacationed together in 3 years.

After his irritability in the days just before he left, I began to feel uneasy about going. After he had gone, we worked thing through on the phone, so I was planning still to go.

During one phone call, I asked him to get some information I needed in order to finalize our plans. Planning a trip is a lot of work - work he leaves to me. (He really isn't good at that sort of thing.) He said he would let me know the next day. He had been calling or emailing most days. Then nothing for three days.

I finally called him. I told him I was upset that he hadn't called. He responded with coldness and bullshit excuses.No matter how busy you are, you can find 5 minutes to call or send an email even if it is to say I am insanely busy.

Evidently he didn't reach of the point of recognizing that I also have needs, pressures and feelings which are just as important as his. I really think that this is a total blind spot for him, that he thinks that when he is stressed about work, total self absorption on his part is justified and asserting any of my own needs, however small, is incredibly selfish of me.

I know better of course. I know many men who, under pressure, still recognize the needs of their loved ones and even call their wives every night when out of town. It's just not that difficult, if you truly love. When you love, it's not something you *have* to do, it's something you WANT to do.

So that call went badly, as did the next. He was dismissive and defensive. I waited several days thinking he would call after his main big event was over and hoped we could work it out. Two days after that even was over, I had heard nothing. I decided not to go. I canceled my ticket and decided to move out while he was gone.

He never did call. He emailed 36 hours before I was to leave and to told me not to come. I wasn't expecting that. I replied and told him that I agreed and, in fact, I had already canceled my ticket several days ago. Even though I had already decided not to go, his sending me an 11th hour email saying 'don't come' although hurtful, was wonderful validation that I was doing the right thing.

This was so strange, even for him, that I strongly suspect there is a woman involved. This work trip for him would include some major ego boosting events where he could well have met a woman he wanted to woo. I don't know for certain, but his behavior certainly suggests it. If so - she can have him!

This feels sooo right. I have sadness of course, but the time away from him has been really good for me. I miss the good stuff about having him around, but I don't miss the emotional/energy drain that came with the bad stuff. I just feel so much more "even" now. I have also come to realize that most of my good memories about him were things that happened before we got married.

I had hope my husband would make lasting changes. He made a lot of improvement, but he blew it in a major way once the stress/ego boast time came on.

He has been gone several months now, well past his original planned date of return. I have rented an apartment, which I am moving in to gradually. I haven't yet told him I'm moving out. I don't know how all that will come together yet. Right now, I'm just enjoying the time and space to get my bearings, move forward, and rest a bit before the next phase.


CZBZ said...

I am so sorry about your marriage and the pain you must be feeling right now. It's never easy to end a relationship, even when we KNOW in our hearts that it's the "right thing to do."

Not to fan the flames but my suspicion is that Another Woman is involved, too.

This frequently happens when the wife sets limits on her husband's aggression. He may woo her for awhile but the whole time, he is looking for another partner who will see him through idealizing eyes. This may not be the case, but just in case........

The toughest thing for people is the Sudden Betrayal. Get used to the idea and you won't be 'shattered' when and if it is true.

It's a sign of strength and courage that you are willing to at least consider the possibility of infidelity.

Big hugs,

Lynn said...

I just wanted to say that I feel your pain, but it's great that you are having some peace in your life right now

jennie said...

Thanks for the hugs CZ. You are right that there is still pain even though I know it is the best thing to do.

I wasn't aware that infidelity frequently results when the wife starts setting strong limits. Makes sense too. The weirdest thing to me is that he doesn't seem to connect cause and effect, i.e. if he treated me well, he may not get idealization from me, (he never did as we started as pals), but he would have seen the light in my eyes for him again.

I know you know the pain of betrayal. I may never know the truth and in some ways it doesn't matter. I had decided to leave before I had reason to suspect there may be someone else.

That possibility of infidelity (or even attempted infidelity)makes it hurt more, but oddly also makes it easier. That can not be explained away by deficits in emotional regulation in the face of strong momentary feelings. That is a conscious choice to break an important vow.

jennie said...

Thanks Lynn.

I just took a quick look at your blog. I hope you will find the love and happiness you so richly deserve.

Chris said...

I don't think he had anyone else, but if there is argument before you go he may fear that it will be more argument when you meet him where ever he is. Men fear argument and they want to be alone.

All the advisor givers are not realizing how hard you build a relationship and no one wants to give up easily. Most commenter is encouraging separation instead of compromise and hold on to your marriage.

Leila said...

My God, do people really handle things that nicely? After something like that, I would have given him Hell, especially with suspicion of another woman being involved. I would have acted a fool on him. But that's just me, I suppose. I ain't the most civil person around.

Oh well... go get all dolled up, find some handsome dude, take pictures of you having a good time and email them to your husband, insulting his manhood. Heheh... okay, still something I would do.

sorry, don't think i really have any useful advice.

Anonymous said...
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jennie said...

Chris, I do realize that men in particular, do not look forward to "relationship talks". However, learning how to resolve things is part of being in a relationship.

I have worked very hard to make my marriage work and I did not make the decision to leave lightly.

Compromise on many things is good in a marriage, but no one should ever compromise on being treated with love and respect.

jennie said...

LOL. Thanks Leila for the validation. I like your fire.

I certainly feel like giving him hell, yet sometimes, giving them hell just shows how much you care. KWIM? A woman who has moved on and is getting dolled up and going out with a handsome dude doesn't take time to send photos to the stbx. He's just not worth the trouble.

Not that I don't think there is a time and place for a good 'scene', I'm just smart enough to know that I can't pull that off from another continent.

It's not that I feel like I have to be 'nice' to him. In this situation, few words and moving quietly away feels like the dignified thing to do for ME.

jennie said...

Thank you Daniel. I was willing to hang in there so long as he was doing the work and things were moving in a positive direction over time. Clearly, that positive movement came to a screeching halt.

I hope you are continuing to heal and grow, however your situation turned out.

Being Me said...

We seem to fear most, the very thing we must do to prevent it. Why are we made this way ?
Because we always hope.

I wish you well.

survivedhell said...

hi, i am in the process of writing a blog of my experiences of being with a somatic narcissistic wife, and i hope that it will be of some help to others out there in the same boat
somatic narcissistic wife

Cassidy said...

I'm so sorry to hear about all the pain you have had to go through...I just wanted to say thank you. It is nice to know that there are people out there who recognize verbal abuse for what is is. Usually, people only pay attention to broken bones, not broken hearts. I am hoping my blog will help people as yours has. Thank you so much. God Bless You :)

Jenny Damaged said...

do u know how I could get added to Marianna's blog so I can read it?

scrapperJude Designs said...

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