Exhausted

So maybe this blog will turn out to be about verbal and other emotional abuse and my escape from it. It will end. He will either knock it off or I will be gone.

I feel so exhausted. So tired of having to fight to even be heard, to say no you may not invalidate my feelings. I am so tired of so many interactions feeling like battles.

Three weeks ago he called me a bitch - again. He made it about five months between contemptuous names this time. The last was in August when he called me a cunt.

This time, I bought one of Patricia Evan's books "The Verbally Abusive Man. - Can he Change?", and borrowed two of her other books from the library. After reading them, so many pieces of the puzzle are coming together for me. And I am changing the way I react to his attempts to define me. That seems to be the common thread - he attempts to define me.

Today I told him how I sometimes feel like I am in a war. Well, he didn't like my feelings so he told me my feelings were "not productive" and even "destructive". Unfortunately I did get caught up in a bit of an "explaining" session with him which Patricia says not to do.

It is amazing, that he would presume to tell me which of my feelings are "not productive". As if he is some sort of emotional master rather than emotionally developmentally delayed. Unbelieveable.

I am worn out. I started the day feeling happy and looking forward to it, and then the battle began. The weather was nice today and I went for a walk and talked with a friend on the phone. That was good. Otherwise, it has just been draining.

When I came home from the walk, it seemed the life that had stirred in me now froze. Froze when I saw his face in the window and knew I had to be in the same house with him. Froze because it seems that going into an emotional deep freeze is the only way to survive.

But I will make it. Somehow I will make it. I'll get a job. I'll get other things in my life squared away. I'll get out. I'll get gone. This isn't living and it sure as hell isn't love.
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