Teddy Check

I am doing much better at ignoring his craziness. For months, I felt tense and on edge around him. I don't anymore. I've come to expect that he will become unexpectedly and irrationally angry from time to time. (Irrational because he is angry about what he makes up about what I'm thinking, implying and intending rather than the truth of me). I pretty much just ignore it now. I decided I will not be afraid. He is merely annoying to me now. I am so emotionally distant from him that I simply don't care. But I am still thrown off balance by the "Teddy check"

In her book Controlling People, Patricia Evans uses the analogy of how a child relates to his teddy bear to describe how a controlling person tries to create a pretend relationship with a spouse.

A teddy bear is inanimate and compliant. A child plugs his thoughts and moves into the teddy making it "do and "say" what he wants. Teddy is comforting. A child talks to Teddy, and responds for Teddy. Teddy always appreciates you and never minds if you leave her sitting around for a while. Teddy gets things done, agrees with you, and think of things to do for you, even before you ask.

I think that Bob was attracted to me because of the ways in which the real me resembles his 'dream woman'. The problem is, he does not accept those ways in which I am not his dream woman.

In adulthood, the controlling spouse, i.e. The Pretender, is trying to plug his pretend person into the body of the partner. When the authentic woman speaks up the Pretender may think "Sometimes Teddy talks about stuff but it doesn't have anything to do with you, so you just nod now and then." Teddy wants what you want.

One day Teddy is upset by something you did. How could this be? Delivering a barrage of diverting and and countering finally silences Teddy. Teddy stays quiet for a few days so okay, maybe everything is back to normal. Teddy malfunctioned briefly but maybe now she is back.

In the old days, I would always inquire about Bob's important business meetings. I was interested in his work and his successes and frustrations. Even now, I have no wish for him to fail. He is talented and I wish him well. It's just that I stopped giving that kind of attention to someone who was showing very little interest in my life and well being.

I have repeatedly and clearly spelled out the issues that need to be addressed and have been ignored. A few days ago I told him I would prefer that he would address me by my name, rather than with terms of endearment such as "sweetie" because such terms imply a degree of closeness that is not present between us. This upset him and he said sarcastically "Fine, I'll just drop this fantasy that everything is okay." "That would be great." I said.

It really would be great if he would drop the fantasy and relate to me as a real person.

As usual, after a few days have passed, Bob does what I call a "teddy check". I've been through this cycle with Bob more times than I care to remember. Even though it was late at night and I was in my room, he sought me out to tell me about his meeting that evening. I thought something out of the ordinary that I needed to know about must have happened. After listening politely for a few minutes, I realized he simply wanted to talk to Teddy. I politely told him he would need to leave because I was going to sleep now. It is so maddening that he expects a loving wife to be there for him when he has shown a near total disregard for my needs. Unbeleiveable.

If you have never been treated as Teddy, it probably sounds weird if to feel annoyed when your spouse comes to you to share their good news. In a healthy relationship, spouses share their good news with each other. However, in a healthy relationship spouses also listen to each other when the other is upset about something. They try to understand each other. They try to reach and follow through on fair agreements with each other.

Perhaps I am having a hard time seeing the reality of him as well. The idea that relationships are reciprocal seems to be hardwired into my brain. I have to remember that he doesn't see it that way. I am Teddy to him. Teddy doesn't require reciprocation.

I feel like I am caught between bad choices. Must I growl at him each morning to remind him that we don't have a relationship? If I do, he will become surly. Yet when I am simply polite, as I would be to any stranger, he thinks Teddy is back.
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He really doesn't see.

Bless his heart, I think he genuinely is trying, but he just doesn't get it. On his own initiative, he took the time to write down his understanding of what I was upset about in a recent interaction. He asked me to listen and tell him if his understanding was correct.

I appreciate his good intentions and effort, but after talking with him for an hour or so, I left feeling awful. I realize it is because even in the process of trying to work it out, he continues to define me, i.e. telling me how I was feeling and what I was doing.

When the core problem is defining the other, it cannot be worked through in a conversation where the boundary violations continue. Such a discussion doesn't solve the problem, it is the problem. As Patricia Evans writes:

The verbal abuse is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having a real argument about a real issue, both parties may feel angry but they can say "this is what I'm feeling angry about " or "this is what I want" and eventually, if there is good will on both their parts, the issue is resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse and this issue is not resolved.

Each person must see and hear the other in order to understand. Each must be aware of their own feelings and be able to distinguish their own feelings from the other person's feelings. I just thought everybody knew this. Evidently not.

When I told him what my motives had been, what I was feeling, and what I had said, he concluded, "It couldn't have happened that way or I wouldn't have reacted the way I did." Sigh . Rather than consider that his perceptions of me were inaccurate, he concludes that I am in error.

He seems perplexed when I tell him that how I feel is not a matter of 'opinion' where his guess is as good as mine. He truly does not realize that he does not have the ability to know for certain how another person feels without asking them.

I am glad I got to see Bob's confusion about emotional and psychic boundaries at a time when both of us were calm rather than upset. It gives me more clarity. And that helps me accept how things are.

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Hope is the enemy

The times when he is 'playing nice' are actually harder on me than total cold disengagement. I feel so much better when I don't interact with him.

On Sunday, we actually appeared to resolve something. And he has really been helpful with day to day household needs. But that is a far cry from dealing with the fundamental problems.

He still thinks it is perfectly fine to tell me what I am doing, what I think and what I feel. He ran a whole trip on me Sunday. He told me that I had 'berated' him the night before. That then I felt good because I had gone off on him and that was why I was now feeling happy. None of it - none of it - had an ounce of truth in it. In fact he had the whole thing completely wrong.

I did not 'berate' him, I expressed some of the pain I felt when he had done certain things. It did not feel good, I felt horrible. I was happy on Sunday, but that was because I had spent a lot of time work through my feelings and adjusting my thinking to disconnect from him once again.

I didn't tell him what was really going on with me because Patricia Evans advises not to explain in response to someone who is defining you. She says that this just gives them the impression that it is okay to define you, but in this instance they were wrong. I did tell him he was wrong, and tried to point out how illogical it is to think he could know what I was doing, thinking and feeling, but he does not agree. He says it is his 'intuition'. No amount of reality will convince him otherwise.

He said that he had read a little bit in a John Gottman book about power sharing in a marriage. That's good. But I told him that in order for me to begin to feel safe with him, I need to know that he is reading or doing something everyday. He nodded and was sweet and said he would.

Monday - nothing.

Tuesday - nothing.

Wednesday - nothing.

Same old avoidance. Same old saying one thing and doing another.

I have to admit that those old hopeful feelings come up again. That desire to feel safe, the desire to feel loved and cherished. Hope, has become my enemy.

At least hope for a happy life with him is the enemy. Hope for me, hope for a better life for myself is the hope I need to nurture.

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Verbal Abuse Bingo

I have been working on learning to detach, to see his behavior as the immature silliness that it is. When he is unable to upset me, he is deprived of the payoff of feeling powerful. Patricia Evans suggested his name calling is at the emotional level of a three year old calling someone a 'pooh pooh head'.

So I look for ways to see the absurdity and not let it get to me. I have created Verbal Abuse Bingo cards. I am thinking of putting a couple of them in the kitchen, and inviting him to play too. When I hear that type of abuse, I would go get my card and cheerfully mark out that spot with a flourish.

When I get 5 in a row - I'll gleefully yell out "Verbal Abuse Bingo!"

It might put some fun in dysfunctional and maybe keep him mindful.

He is so contrary he may stop the abuse just to block me from getting Bingo.

What would this conversation sound like in a healthy relationsip?

One thing that helps me not get caught up in the craziness is to ask myself "What would this conversation sound like in a healthy relationship?" Here is just one example.

This is how it went:

I got home from a day running errands.

Bob: "What are you doing here?"

me: It's 3:00, that's when I told you I'd be home.

Bob: It's 3:00! Oh no. My watch stopped. I thought it was only 1:00.

[I knew Bob had an appointment in the late afternoon but not exactly when. Today was the deadline to mail our tax returns. Last night he said he would do it today. Now I was concerned that if he was running late, either I might need to do it, or he might forget them because he was in a hurry.]

me: Are you going to mail the tax returns when you go out?

Bob: (in an irritated voice) "You don't understand. I thought it was two hours earlier."

me: I realize that you thought it was two hours earlier. What is it you think I don't understand?

Bob: You don't understand that I'm late and I don't even have the papers I need to take together yet.

me: Well it is true I don't know those things. Did you tell me?

Bob: I told you it is two hours later than I realized.

me: Yes, I understand it is later than you thought but I don't know what time you need to leave or what preparations you need to make first. I wouldn't know that because you didn't tell me.

[Not having heard any request yet, I went into another room.]

Bob: (yelling from the other room) Could you mail the tax returns?

[I did mail the tax returns but did not offer any other assistance due to the way he was behaving.]

Here is how the conversation would go in similar circumstances in a healthy relationship:

me: Are you going to mail the tax returns when you go out?

Bob: I know I said I would do it, but since I just realized my watch stopped, I'm running late. I need to leave in ten minutes and I still need to get my papers together. I would really appreciate it if you would mail them. Would you?

me: Sure honey. Sorry your watch stopped. Is there anything I can do to help you get your things together?

It is so freakin simple.

Patricia Evans says that verbal abusers not only think they can read your mind, but that you can read theirs too. Bob acted as if I should have known what time he needed to leave. I should have known that he wasn't ready yet. I should have known that he wanted me to mail the tax returns All without him explaining his situation to me and making a request.

And he shouldn't have to acknowledge that he said he would do it. He shouldn't have to ask me politely for my help. I should just know what his situation is, what he wants me to do, and just do it.

Master psychic that he is, he also knows why I asked if he would be mailing the returns. He knows it wasn't because I was concerned that if he was running late he might want me to do it or if he still intended to do it, that he might forget because he was in a hurry.

Patricia Evans compares the relationship of the abusive man to his wife with that of a child with his Teddy Bear. Teddy would know. Teddy would just take care of it. It's a wonder he didn't get upset that I didn't call him while I was out to tell him his watch had stopped. Teddy would know his watch had stopped.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

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Is there hope for me?

Today I made an appointment for a phone consultation with Patricia Evans. I feel better just after my conversation with her to set up the appointment.

I knew that I was feeling beaten down, but maybe I didn't realize how far I have fallen. During my conversation with Patricia she said "You're smart" and "You're doing a good job" and "You can have a vibrant career with a lot of men to date who you could drop at the first hint of abuse."

I started to cry when she said those things. How long has it been since anyone told me those things? How did I lose so much faith in myself?

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Pretend relationship

Now that I am learning more about the roots of vebal abuse, I understand why I called this blog "Keep it Real." [note - that was the original title of this blog]. It is because my so-called 'relationship' isn't real.

Patricia Evans says that verbal abusers pretend a lot. They pretend that they live inside you and therefore know what you are feeling and thinking and what your motives are.

She says that it is precisely when you are most authentic, that the abuser becomes the most enraged. They have created in their minds a "dream woman" and whenever you show that you are not their imaginary friend they feel attacked by your separateness. It is like the only woman they can accept is one who doesn't feel anything they don't want you to feel.

In my case, I have definitely felt for a long time that he is trying to squash me. Like whenever the real Jennie shows up, especially if she is hurt by something he does, he will try to put her back in the box. The dream woman would never feel upset by him because she would think he is perfect.

So now I realize that I never have had a real relationship with him. I doubt that I will, but maybe there is a chance - if he sees it. I am a great believer in people's ability to grow and change and heal, but realistically, I don't think that will happen here.

It is hard to get up the energy to do what I need to do to extricate myself from this marriage. And it is even harder to give up the dream of what I wanted to have. It is hard to give up the beautiful house I have and go back to an apartment.

But in a way, I have to give up my dreams for this marriage in order to have a shot at fulfilling my true desires. My real desires. My desire to be seen for who I am, good and bad. And truly, most of it is good. I am a good person. I am not the vindictive, mean, person out to get him that he thinks I am.

It is ironic how it is precisely because he continues to think the worst of me that I get to that point sometimes of feeling hate for him. I don't really hate him, I hate being put in a box. I hate having my so-called 'partner' think the worst of me. I have not acted in a way which merits his paranoia. It is his issue.

He seems to like me best when I am 'nice'. It seems that it is not terribly important to him that I actually be happy, just that I act happy in order to fulfill his need to have a Barbie doll.

Well I'm not happy and he says he is "tired of you feeling that way". It must be exhausting or him to always have to fight to extinguish the real person because it is exhausting for me to have to fight to keep the real person alive.

Right now he is giving me the silent treatment. I guess maybe he thinks that is really hurting me for him to withdraw his love and affection and communication. He would probably be surprised to learn that actually it is a relief.

Patricia Evans says that they get a feeling of power from frustrating you by withholding. So my job is to show how little it affects me. I need to not give him the payoff.

But really, you can't have a relationship with someone who get off on withholding. That's not relating, that's a win-lose power battle. I'll just float away, like a swan, drifting away smoothly to a better place.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

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Exhausted

So maybe this blog will turn out to be about verbal and other emotional abuse and my escape from it. It will end. He will either knock it off or I will be gone.

I feel so exhausted. So tired of having to fight to even be heard, to say no you may not invalidate my feelings. I am so tired of so many interactions feeling like battles.

Three weeks ago he called me a bitch - again. He made it about five months between contemptuous names this time. The last was in August when he called me a cunt.

This time, I bought one of Patricia Evan's books "The Verbally Abusive Man. - Can he Change?", and borrowed two of her other books from the library. After reading them, so many pieces of the puzzle are coming together for me. And I am changing the way I react to his attempts to define me. That seems to be the common thread - he attempts to define me.

Today I told him how I sometimes feel like I am in a war. Well, he didn't like my feelings so he told me my feelings were "not productive" and even "destructive". Unfortunately I did get caught up in a bit of an "explaining" session with him which Patricia says not to do.

It is amazing, that he would presume to tell me which of my feelings are "not productive". As if he is some sort of emotional master rather than emotionally developmentally delayed. Unbelieveable.

I am worn out. I started the day feeling happy and looking forward to it, and then the battle began. The weather was nice today and I went for a walk and talked with a friend on the phone. That was good. Otherwise, it has just been draining.

When I came home from the walk, it seemed the life that had stirred in me now froze. Froze when I saw his face in the window and knew I had to be in the same house with him. Froze because it seems that going into an emotional deep freeze is the only way to survive.

But I will make it. Somehow I will make it. I'll get a job. I'll get other things in my life squared away. I'll get out. I'll get gone. This isn't living and it sure as hell isn't love.
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