Thursday, May 15, 2008

I wonder if he knows . . .

I wonder if he knows that I don't like being around him.

I usually get up a few hours before he does. Does he know that when I hear the first sounds of him stirring that I get a knot in my stomach?

On those all too rare occasions that he goes somewhere, does he know that I freeze inside when I hear his car in the driveway when he returns?

Does he know that even if I am hungry I won't go in the kitchen if he is there?

And if he knew all that, would he feel sad or glad?

Would he feel like he had really established his authority?

Would he feel a sense of failure? Remorse?

I hate that I don't feel relaxed in my own home. It makes everything I do so much harder when I have to "psyche myself up" to exist in the same house but I'm getting better at it. He's really a very weak, scared man who feels powerless.

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I am working on leaving. I am not trapped here, although it feels that way at times. It helps me to reframe my situation as a choice. Strictly speaking, I could leave here today and go to a hotel or a friend's house. I could just say the hell with it, I'm outa here. But I am choosing to take the step by step route right now because I think that is in my best interest for the long term. It's a trade off.

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4 comments:

Bill said...

Hi Jennie, to answer each of your questions as a man, I would feel very bad, very sad and very remorseful to know my lady felt any of those things. I hope you do what you know is best for you. You are in my heart and prayers
I wanted to thank you for the wonderful comment you left on my site. It was inspiring and I hope you don't mind but I used it as a big part of my yesterday's post.
Bill

jennie said...

Thanks Bill. I know that a good man would feel as you said. In fact, a good man would never treat his wife in a way that would make her feel that way in the first place.

I'm glad you liked my comment. Your post really was helpful to me.

http://hudds53.wordpress.com/2008/05/18/dying-mans-daily-journal-asking-for-help-is-a-sign-of-strength/#comments

Anonymous said...

wow, I could have wrote this myself. I would have also said...Does he know I wont eat infront of him, because of the fat comments he has made or the look he has given me if he thinks my plate looks to full.

jennie said...

Dear Anon,

I'm sorry you are going through some of the same things and having some of the same reactions.

The 'fat' comments are so ugly. Please try to remember that it is his inadequacies that lead him to put you down in a futile attempt to build himself up.

(((hugs)))

 
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