Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Hope is the enemy

The times when he is 'playing nice' are actually harder on me than total cold disengagement. I feel so much better when I don't interact with him.

On Sunday, we actually appeared to resolve something. And he has really been helpful with day to day household needs. But that is a far cry from dealing with the fundamental problems.

He still thinks it is perfectly fine to tell me what I am doing, what I think and what I feel. He ran a whole trip on me Sunday. He told me that I had 'berated' him the night before. That then I felt good because I had gone off on him and that was why I was now feeling happy. None of it - none of it - had an ounce of truth in it. In fact he had the whole thing completely wrong.

I did not 'berate' him, I expressed some of the pain I felt when he had done certain things. It did not feel good, I felt horrible. I was happy on Sunday, but that was because I had spent a lot of time work through my feelings and adjusting my thinking to disconnect from him once again.

I didn't tell him what was really going on with me because Patricia Evans advises not to explain in response to someone who is defining you. She says that this just gives them the impression that it is okay to define you, but in this instance they were wrong. I did tell him he was wrong, and tried to point out how illogical it is to think he could know what I was doing, thinking and feeling, but he does not agree. He says it is his 'intuition'. No amount of reality will convince him otherwise.

He said that he had read a little bit in a John Gottman book about power sharing in a marriage. That's good. But I told him that in order for me to begin to feel safe with him, I need to know that he is reading or doing something everyday. He nodded and was sweet and said he would.

Monday - nothing.

Tuesday - nothing.

Wednesday - nothing.

Same old avoidance. Same old saying one thing and doing another.

I have to admit that those old hopeful feelings come up again. That desire to feel safe, the desire to feel loved and cherished. Hope, has become my enemy.

At least hope for a happy life with him is the enemy. Hope for me, hope for a better life for myself is the hope I need to nurture.



Martha said...

I completely agree. Hope is definitely the enemy.

When he pretends to love me, that is the worst.

It's better when I avoid him as much as possible. But as we're still in the same house together it isn't very easy.

I keep having to remind myself, he has no humanity as I would recognize it.

For him to try and revive any small measure of hope in me is just more cruelty.

My sister's husband is the same way, ditto for my dad and both grandfathers.

I give up on men. They are all emotionally retarded and defective.

Bill said...

To Martha,
I can understand the frustration, the disappointment, the pain of having hopes raised again and again only to have them dashed time and again. That truly is cruel, very hurtful, I've been there and had that happen to me so I can relate. Those are the very experiences I had with my ex-wife. Which is the very reason she is now my ex-wife. I finally recognized the relationship for what it truly was,very abusive, it took me a long time, to long, but I moved on.
I hope you don't truly give up on men. I am a man, and I know the world if full of good men, kind men
that would treat a woman as she truly deserves to be treated, as his Lady, his Queen, to protect her, to cherish her and make her happy.
Be it fate or what ever, but you seem to have been surrounded by males that are just unable to appreciate a woman for who she is.
Sadly there are way to many of these males in the world today, but trust me, they are actually in the minority when it comes to me. Your experiences may not agree with me on that but it is true.
So never give up on finding a good man the world really is full of them.

Cindy Burrell said...

If you are living in an abusive relationship, I know that you keep hoping tomorrow will be different. I understand the kind of fear and pain you live with because I lived it. Let me teach you how to identify abuse when it happens, and empower you to reassert and reclaim your value."

Cindy Burrell, a writer, wife, mother and a survivor of emotional abuse is here to tell you that there is hope...

After twenty years in an abusive relationship Cindy was left feeling lost, lonely and exhausted. She had learned to compromise her happiness in an unsuccessful attempt to stave off the onslaught of abuse. Her story is one of neglect, fear, lies, and addictions. Finally forced to leave their home with her four children, they escaped the emotional prison in which they had all lived. Although scars remain, Cindy and her children have found healing and restoration.

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