Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Verbal Abuse is Not About You

Sometimes I look at the words people type in the various search engines that lead them to my blog, and sometimes it breaks my heart.

Today there was this search: "my husband verbally abuses me because I'm fat"

I wish I could give this woman a big hug.

He doesn't abuse you because you're fat; he abuses you because he is abusive.

A good husband would never use an area of sensitivity as a weapon to hurt you. If you weren't overweight, he would find something else mean to say.

My husband is rather portly, and a bit sensitive about it. I know he feels bad about his weight and I would never want to make him feel worse. I have told him I love HIM whatever size he may be.

Even though he has said mean things to me, it would never even occur to me to call him fat. I couldn't feel good about myself if I deliberately inflicted pain on him.

So please know that whenever someone abuses you, it's not about you. It is directed towards you, but it is really about the person who is hurting you.

It is their shame, their pain, their inadequacies. Abuse is always unwarranted regardless of your imperfections. Just because you aren't perfect, doesn't mean you deserve to be abused.

I am so sorry for the pain of this woman, and every other woman and man and child who has felt the sting of ugly words. It's not your fault and you don't deserve it. You deserve love. We all do.



Anonymous said...

I fully agree with the paragraph re: having shame, pain & inadequacies...I have written about this myself lately, and have tried to explain this to those who have been verbally abusing me. (

jennie said...

I am glad you are writing about this too. It's important to know.

Have you had any luck getting people abusing you to understand?

Bill said...

Hi Jennie as always you have such an important message here. Recognizing abuse for what it is and not taking it on as a reflection of ourselves but as of a reflection of the abuser.
I know easy to say but so hard to do. Please keep up the good work you are doing here.

jennie said...

Thanks for the encouragement Bill.

It is far easier to know intellectually that the abuse isn't about you, than to know it fully in your heart and entire being.

It's always good to affirm your own self-worth, but I think we also need to hear it from others. I don't think that is co-dependent; I think it is human.

Your encouragement and caring has been very healing for me. Thank you.

Blog Directory - Blogged BlogCatalog