Nonexistent

One of the more disconcerting behaviors, that I seem never to become accustomed to, is his pretending that nothing is wrong. Acting like nothing happened.

Nothing is happening. All is well. Time heals all wounds, without any apologies, any understanding, any resolution.

Three weeks ago I told him that since he had not changed his behavior, I needed to withdraw from him emotionally and limit my interaction with him as much as possible. Two weeks ago I asked him to quit even touching me. Yet tonight, he asks me if I want to go out to dinner. You would think that after all this time I would somehow be used to it. But I'm not. But I have changed how I act when he does it.

I dodged. Yep, I guess that is a verbal abuse technique, but I didn't do it to abuse. I did need to leave the house right then, but even when I came back, I didn't give him a reply. Nor, surprisingly, did he ask. Weird.

I decided to wait until he asked again hoping he might catch a glimpse of how it feels to not be responded to, as if he hadn't even asked. Not to hurt him, but to help him understand. But then I didn't know if I should just say "No thanks" or whether I should tell him how that strikes me in view of what I have said. Seems like he is ignoring the obvious - there is a problem. He does that in so many areas of his life. I know it isn't limited to me.

So who knows, in his world, maybe instead of giving a direct answer to a direct question, people just ignore you if they mean no. No, I don't think that's it. At least it isn't that way on a business level for him. There have been times when he would continue to call and call a prospect who was sort of shining him on long after I thought, they just don't want to tell you no. But it might be different in the area of personal and women relationships for him. Hmmm, I wonder if he even thinks of me like a woman relationship. I doubt it. Doesn't feel like it.

Or maybe his invitation was just an impulsive act springing from the thought of the moment. Once he forgot about it, I am so nonexistent to him the fact that he had extended an invitation to me wouldn't matter once it was no longer on his mind. I think that's more likely.

And here I am twisting my brain into a pretzel, getting a headache, trying, again, to figure out what they hell is this guy thinking. Guess I better stop doing that.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

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Pretend relationship

Now that I am learning more about the roots of vebal abuse, I understand why I called this blog "Keep it Real." [note - that was the original title of this blog]. It is because my so-called 'relationship' isn't real.

Patricia Evans says that verbal abusers pretend a lot. They pretend that they live inside you and therefore know what you are feeling and thinking and what your motives are.

She says that it is precisely when you are most authentic, that the abuser becomes the most enraged. They have created in their minds a "dream woman" and whenever you show that you are not their imaginary friend they feel attacked by your separateness. It is like the only woman they can accept is one who doesn't feel anything they don't want you to feel.

In my case, I have definitely felt for a long time that he is trying to squash me. Like whenever the real Jennie shows up, especially if she is hurt by something he does, he will try to put her back in the box. The dream woman would never feel upset by him because she would think he is perfect.

So now I realize that I never have had a real relationship with him. I doubt that I will, but maybe there is a chance - if he sees it. I am a great believer in people's ability to grow and change and heal, but realistically, I don't think that will happen here.

It is hard to get up the energy to do what I need to do to extricate myself from this marriage. And it is even harder to give up the dream of what I wanted to have. It is hard to give up the beautiful house I have and go back to an apartment.

But in a way, I have to give up my dreams for this marriage in order to have a shot at fulfilling my true desires. My real desires. My desire to be seen for who I am, good and bad. And truly, most of it is good. I am a good person. I am not the vindictive, mean, person out to get him that he thinks I am.

It is ironic how it is precisely because he continues to think the worst of me that I get to that point sometimes of feeling hate for him. I don't really hate him, I hate being put in a box. I hate having my so-called 'partner' think the worst of me. I have not acted in a way which merits his paranoia. It is his issue.

He seems to like me best when I am 'nice'. It seems that it is not terribly important to him that I actually be happy, just that I act happy in order to fulfill his need to have a Barbie doll.

Well I'm not happy and he says he is "tired of you feeling that way". It must be exhausting or him to always have to fight to extinguish the real person because it is exhausting for me to have to fight to keep the real person alive.

Right now he is giving me the silent treatment. I guess maybe he thinks that is really hurting me for him to withdraw his love and affection and communication. He would probably be surprised to learn that actually it is a relief.

Patricia Evans says that they get a feeling of power from frustrating you by withholding. So my job is to show how little it affects me. I need to not give him the payoff.

But really, you can't have a relationship with someone who get off on withholding. That's not relating, that's a win-lose power battle. I'll just float away, like a swan, drifting away smoothly to a better place.

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

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