He really doesn't see.

Bless his heart, I think he genuinely is trying, but he just doesn't get it. On his own initiative, he took the time to write down his understanding of what I was upset about in a recent interaction. He asked me to listen and tell him if his understanding was correct.

I appreciate his good intentions and effort, but after talking with him for an hour or so, I left feeling awful. I realize it is because even in the process of trying to work it out, he continues to define me, i.e. telling me how I was feeling and what I was doing.

When the core problem is defining the other, it cannot be worked through in a conversation where the boundary violations continue. Such a discussion doesn't solve the problem, it is the problem. As Patricia Evans writes:

The verbal abuse is the issue in the relationship. When a couple is having a real argument about a real issue, both parties may feel angry but they can say "this is what I'm feeling angry about " or "this is what I want" and eventually, if there is good will on both their parts, the issue is resolved. In a verbally abusive relationship there is no specific conflict. The issue is the abuse and this issue is not resolved.

Each person must see and hear the other in order to understand. Each must be aware of their own feelings and be able to distinguish their own feelings from the other person's feelings. I just thought everybody knew this. Evidently not.

When I told him what my motives had been, what I was feeling, and what I had said, he concluded, "It couldn't have happened that way or I wouldn't have reacted the way I did." Sigh . Rather than consider that his perceptions of me were inaccurate, he concludes that I am in error.

He seems perplexed when I tell him that how I feel is not a matter of 'opinion' where his guess is as good as mine. He truly does not realize that he does not have the ability to know for certain how another person feels without asking them.

I am glad I got to see Bob's confusion about emotional and psychic boundaries at a time when both of us were calm rather than upset. It gives me more clarity. And that helps me accept how things are.

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Changing my Thinking

In my last post I discussed my biggest criticism of the book "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse". Now I'll write about some things I liked.

I often hear people talk about rights in a relationships. Patricia Evans has a list of "Basic Rights in a Relationship" like the right "to be heard by your mate and responded to with courtesy". On the level of basic morality and human rights I agree, all people are deserving of love and respect, but in my marriage, thinking of it that way has not helped me.

I was thinking "He has no right to say those things to me" and "You can't speak to me that way." Which led to me thinking, "He has to stop this". But guess what, he doesn't have to stop. Nobody is going to make him stop. I can't call the verbal abuse police to arrest him and enforce my right to be heard and responded to with courtesy. With the exception of my body and my property, relationships "rights" are not like civil or legal rights. Ultimately, all you can do is remove yourself from his presence.

Perhaps Ms. Evans and others talk about "rights" in a relationship to validate that your expectations are in fact reasonable, because abusers will try to convince you otherwise. I would prefer that such a list be called "Reasonable expectations in a Healthy Relationship".

I have also heard well meaning people tell the recipient of verbal abuse that they must demand to be treated with respect. I think that demanding respect just plays into the abuser's view of relationships as power and control based. I do however, require being treated respectfully as a condition of engagement.

When I questioned the reality of my thinking I realized that while he may not have the moral right to do what he does, he does have the freedom to do it.

* He has the freedom to speak to me however he likes.

* He has the freedom to throw things.

* He has the freedom to respond to me with anger when I tell him I feel upset by something he has done.

* He has the freedom to interpret my behavior any way he chooses.

* He has the freedom to inquire about my life and needs or not.

* He has the freedom to remain silent or approach.

He has the freedom to make those choices. I also have freedom. Previously I thought "I need to explain to him what I was really feeling" and "I have to keep talking with him to try to work things out." But I realized I don't.

* I have the freedom to disengage from someone who calls me names and tells me what I am doing or feeling.

* I have the freedom to share my thoughts and feelings only with people I feel safe with.

* I have the freedom to stay in this marriage or not.

* I have the freedom to leave a relationship when my boundaries are not respected.

* I have the freedom to leave a relationship when my needs are not being met.

And of course with freedom, comes responsibility.

It is my responsibility to create a happy and fulfilling life for myself. I am not powerless. I can choose.

It is difficult to explain, but when I began to affirm his freedom to choose how he behaves, even if he chooses to behave in ways that are detrimental to creating a safe, loving relationship, I no longer felt so powerless and I began to affirm more of my freedom of choice.

This doesn't mean that his choices are acceptable to me. Far from it. It just helped me realize, okay, this is what he is doing, now what do I need to do?

It has helped me to question my thoughts and if I discover that some of my thoughts are distorted and not true, to replace them with more realistic ones.

I do not think it is helpful to replace accurate and realistic thoughts with distortions in order to feel better. There are systems of challenging thoughts which instead of leading to reality, may lead to self-delusion. One dangerous method I have heard of is Byron Katie. You can read about the dangers of "The Work" here:

http://forum.rickross.com/read.php?4,9147

A great book self-help book based on cognitive therapy is "The Feeling Good Handbook" by Dr. David Burns. The parts of the Ellis/Powers book that I found helpful were based on the same concepts but gave examples based on the experiences of recipients of verbal abusive.

The Feeling Good Handbook

The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster and Regaining Control of Your Life
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It's not abuse, it's just my interpretation?

I want to mention a book I have mixed feelings about. The book is "The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse" by Albert Ellis and Marcia Grad Powers. It is based on the principles of cognitive therapy which I am familiar with through the work of Dr. David Burns who I highly recommend. I found the ideas about changing my thoughts about the situation to be very helpful, but I will address my main area of disagreement with the authors first.

One of the main concepts of the book is: "You, and only you, create all of your feelings"

Well, ur, not really. If that were true there would be no such a thing as verbal abuse. If it were only our interpretation of events that hurts us then one could say, "Its not abuse when your husband calls you a fat, ugly, stupid, worthless cunt, it's just your interpretation of the event that leads you to feel bad." Give me a break.

Even if you know that you are not a fat, ugly, stupid, worthless cunt, you don't need to believe there is any truth to the statement to be shocked and stunned that your husband said those things. Or suppose you are overweight and maybe you aren't the brightest bulb on the tree, you certainly aren't worthless and it is horrifying that someone who claims to love you would try to use something you might feel sensitive about to demean you.

The worst part for me isn't the actual words, it is that this person who claims to love me, my husband, is trying make me feel bad, whether I accept his assessment of me or not. You could be a fashion model with a genuis IQ and still be hurt, not because you believe the words, but because your husband spoke them, and tried to make you feel "less than".

"You, and only you, create all of your feelings" is no more true than the old "sticks & stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me" routine. Or the classic "I'm not responsible for your feelings". Where did that come from? Is it some co-dependency recovery run amok? I usually hear someone say "I'm not responsible for his/her feelings" from people who have just done something particularly shitty to another person and now wish to absolve themselves of any responsibility for the harm they caused. But I digress.

Later in the book the authors appear to contradict their main thesis and acknowledge that while you have some choice about how you feel, that it is not a complete choice. I agree.

I would not recommend this book as the first one to read about verbal abuse. Patricia Evan's book is far superior. Evan's book validates the pain, confusion and frustration. It is important to first feel the pain. It's also important to move out of pain. That's where the Ellis/Powers concepts helped me.

I'll post about the helpful aspects of the book next time. (Unless something more interesting or urgent comes up.)

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Love yourself first.

I found this beautiful video about emotional abuse by Mariana.





Mariana's Blog: Emotional Abuse


Mariana wisely reminds us:

Don't believe their words. Believe their concrete actions.

Does your partner's words and promises match his/her actions?

Does your partner tell you he/she loves you and you are special but goes on with his life, ignoring you and ignoring your feelings?

You don't need an abuser in your life.

You deserve someone who will love you and respect you for who you are, not for what they can get from you.

Choose to Love Yourself First.

Thank you for sharing your gentle strength Mariana.

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So-called "apology"

This morning there was a note from him on the kitchen counter apologizing for mimicking me Saturday night. He said he realized it was an expression of contempt which probably hurt me and he was sorry. He didn't attempt to justify or explain it. I thought that was progress.

I sat down at the table in the adjacent dining area to eat my breakfast. He came in the kitchen and I said "thank you for the apology". He said "Thank you for thanking me" then went outside. My heart fell. When he came back in the kitchen as I was getting up from the table I said "When you just walk away after I acknowledged your apology and don't come sit by me and show some warmth and caring, it doesn't feel like an apology."

"I'm sorry that didn't work for you" he said coldly, "but I don't have time to discuss it now".

It hurts because I thought for a moment that he actually cared and then got slapped with the reality of his coldness. I suspect his so-called apology was just a pro-forma because he thinks he may need my help with something. Now, even his so called apology was just another wound.

I don't know if he knows what he is doing or if he is just that tuned out. Doesn't matter I suppose. I told him how I felt and he coldly turned away again. Sometimes I'm amazed that anything he does can still hurt me, but this did. I've spent so much time hoping that one day I might hear from him the words that recognized my pain. Then for a moment I thought 'maybe' and then that hope was dashed. Again.


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"You got mad at me"

Yesterday Bob was recounting some of his grievances against me. I realized that almost every one of them was basically, "You got mad at me". What he did that I was mad about was irrelevant.

For example he reminds me that I got mad at him when he barked at me "Why don't you just fucking tell me!" when I asked if he wanted to hear my ideas about where to stay that night when we were on vacation one summer.

He was driving down a steep, curvy, dark mountain road late at night and I thought it might be taking all his concentration. He interpreted my question as (can you guess?) as an ATTACK. He did not recognize that I was being considerate. He thought I was ACCUSING him of not wanting to hear what I had to say. He later told me that because I had previously complained that often I felt like he didn't want to hear what I had to say, that I was accusing him of doing that again.

I start to feel dizzy just trying to follow his logic. Seems to me that if your loved one sometimes felt like you didn't want to hear what they said that you might make an effort to show that you are interested rather than yell "What don't you just fucking tell me!"

So that was the horrible thing I did - I got mad. Imagine the nerve!

Okay, but I confess that wasn't all I did. I was scared. It was a bad road and I don't want to be a passenger in a car with an enraged man at the wheel. So about five minutes later I said I had to pee. He pulled over. I got some warm clothes and shoes from my suitcase in the trunk. We were in very remote country. We had not seen another car in two hours. Nonetheless, I told him I was not getting back in that car with him unless I was driving and until he calmed down. And if that meant I spent the night under a pine tree, so be it.

"Freedom from accountability means that the abusive man considers himself above criticism. If his partner attempt to raise her grievances she is 'provoking' him. ", says Lundy Bancroft in "Why Does He Do That?".

It is commonly believed that abusive men have a problem managing their anger. This is what Bancroft says:

"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger. One of the basic human rights he tries to take away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn't rise and your blood shouldn't boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone."

No wonder Bob is so unhappy. Despite his relentless attempts, he has never been able to convince me that there is something wrong with me for feeling angry. So I do not dispute his grievances. Yes, I got mad. And I'm not sorry. Anger is a healthy response to abuse.

Bancroft says this about abusers and anger:

HE ISN'T ABUSIVE BECAUSE HE IS ANGRY; HE'S ANGRY BECAUSE HE'S ABUSIVE.

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

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I wonder if he knows . . .

I wonder if he knows that I don't like being around him.

I usually get up a few hours before he does. Does he know that when I hear the first sounds of him stirring that I get a knot in my stomach?

On those all too rare occasions that he goes somewhere, does he know that I freeze inside when I hear his car in the driveway when he returns?

Does he know that even if I am hungry I won't go in the kitchen if he is there?

And if he knew all that, would he feel sad or glad?

Would he feel like he had really established his authority?

Would he feel a sense of failure? Remorse?

I hate that I don't feel relaxed in my own home. It makes everything I do so much harder when I have to "psyche myself up" to exist in the same house but I'm getting better at it. He's really a very weak, scared man who feels powerless.



I am working on leaving. I am not trapped here, although it feels that way at times. It helps me to reframe my situation as a choice. Strictly speaking, I could leave here today and go to a hotel or a friend's house. I could just say the hell with it, I'm outa here. But I am choosing to take the step by step route right now because I think that is in my best interest for the long term. It's a trade off.

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